Psychologists have studied New Year’s resolutions, and the results are… mixed. Some research shows most resolutions fade within weeks, while newer studies suggest success rises dramatically when goals align with identity and realistic capacity. But here’s the deeper truth: Resolutions don’t fail because people aren’t motivated. They fail because they look good on paper but don’t line up with who we are, how we operate, or what our nervous system can realistically hold.
The resolutions that last aren’t the ones that make you more.
They’re the ones that make you more yourself.
Because meaningful change flows from identity, capacity, and authenticity.
Identity-Based Goals Outperform Outcome Goals
James Clear explains that transformation happens on three layers: Outcomes- what you get, Processes- what you do, and Identity- what you believe about yourself.
Most resolutions sit in the outermost layer, ‘lose weight, wake up earlier, get organized’. These sound productive, but they’re built on outcomes, not identity.
Identity-based change works differently.
Instead of asking, “What do I want to achieve?” you ask, “Who am I becoming?”
Instead of “I want to exercise,” it becomes, “I’m someone who moves my body.”
Instead of “I need more discipline,” it becomes, “I’m a person who keeps promises to myself.”
Behavior follows your beliefs about yourself.
When identity shifts, habits follow naturally.
Even transformational leaps like the ones we admire in history are rooted in identity. When Michelangelo set out to create the statue of David, he wasn’t just refining a skill set; he was reshaping his commitment, convictions, and identity to meet the level of excellence he envisioned. Transformation at that level requires becoming a different kind of person, not just doing different things.
This is why identity-based goals feel different in your body.
They’re not about performing; they’re about aligning.
Identity-driven goals create lives that feel good from the inside out.
Unlimited Bandwidth Is a Myth
A few Januarys ago, a client sat in my office holding a color-coded habit tracker-
Twelve habits. Seven routines. Five rituals.
“If I can just stick to this,” she said, “I’ll finally feel like myself again.”
She had crafted the perfect “new me”:
-Gym five days a week
-Journaling
-Meditation
-Meal prep
-Hydration, vitamins, dry brushing…the whole internet
But as she talked, her shoulders tightened. Her voice thinned. Her eyes held that unmistakable cocktail of hope and dread.
“What’s your plan for rest?” I asked.
She laughed, “Rest? There’s no time for that…”
Three weeks later, the spreadsheet was abandoned not because she lacked discipline, but because she built resolutions for a woman with infinite bandwidth… a woman who didn’t exist.
She wasn’t failing.
She was ignoring her nervous system capacity.
Rigidity is the near enemy of discipline…and my client was _____.
She was trying to move toward her goals from a place of emotional pressure instead of emotional reality. And when we ignore our internal reality, our nervous system eventually forces us to pay attention.
In psychology, there’s a concept called psychological flexibility, which is the ability to move toward chosen goals even when emotions are hard or circumstances aren’t ideal. It’s not about suppressing discomfort; it’s about acknowledging your feelings without letting them control you.
And a core part of psychological flexibility is seeing yourself as a context, not content. In other words:
You’re not your emotions.
You’re not your overwhelm.
You are the space that holds those emotions and as the space expands, the content changes.
But you can’t expand that space when you’re emotionally flooded, exhausted, or carrying a chronic stress load. That’s why pushing through January with an idyllic, hyper-optimized plan collapses so quickly.
You can’t build a ‘more’ life on a nervous system running in survival mode.
Capacity is not a character flaw.
It’s physiology.
Most People Chase “Better” Instead of “Truer”
In March of 2020, I bought my first home and instantly made it my “COVID project.” Goodbye popcorn ceilings, hello fresh paint and new hardware. I was convinced that one more cosmetic improvement would finally make it feel right.
But no matter how much I painted and styled, the house never held temperature. The rooms were drafty, the energy bills were ridiculous, and everything looked “updated” but never truly felt comfortable.
Eventually, a contractor explained the obvious:
“You can paint every wall in the house, but if you don’t replace these single pane windows the inside will never feel the way you want it to.”
It wasn’t the throw pillows or accent walls that mattered.
It was the structure holding everything together.
Most people approach January with paintbrush energy:
New planners.
New productivity tools.
New pressures.
Surface upgrades that photograph well but don’t hold up in real life.
But if your foundation your nervous system, your stress load, your hormones, your identity is strained, no cosmetic upgrade will matter.
Because true change isn’t about what you add. It’s about what you remove. Just like my house didn’t need more décor..it needed the old windows gone-real transformation happens by clearing away what doesn’t belong. That’s exactly what Michelangelo meant when he said:
“I removed everything that wasn’t David.”
That’s what sustainable change truly is.
Not adding more.
Not stacking habits like a Jenga tower.
Not becoming a shinier, more optimized version of yourself.
But stripping away everything that isn’t you.
Better is performative.
Truer is sustainable.
A life that only looks good will never last.
Your January Invitation
January whispers seductively, “Become better.”
But what if you stopped trying to become better…
and started becoming truer?
What if your resolutions honored your identity instead of your insecurities?
What if they matched your capacity instead of your fantasy bandwidth?
What if they worked with your nervous system instead of against it?
This year, choose goals that feel like home.
Choose habits you can hold even on your hardest days.
Choose changes that come from alignment, not pressure.
Because the life you want is created from truth.
And the truest version of you?
She’s more than enough to build a year you’ll be proud of.