Twenty-four years ago, I spent two weeks in the hospital after I nearly destroyed my life and brain with drugs and alcohol. By the grace of God, I survived and went on a mission to inspire others. I wrote a book and appeared on Oprah, MTV, and other shows to share my story. I began speaking in schools, colleges, and jails throughout the country.
My entrance into sobriety was pure misery. For several years, I was filled with so much pain, shame, and anger; I just wanted to make it all go away. Past experiences replayed in my mind like a bloody horror film, torturing me over and over again. I blamed myself, blamed my past, and put all of my focus on what had gone wrong. If my childhood wasn't so dysfunctional, if I had never used drugs, if I didn’t move to New York City, and on and on. I was exhausted and going nowhere, a dog chasing its own tail. It finally hit me: I could either keep getting sucked backwards—continuing to spiral in a vicious cycle, fighting with the ghosts of my past, feeling miserable and paralyzed—or I could try a new way.
Through many dark nights, a lot of prayer, and therapy, I came to understand that fighting with my past was a sheer waste of precious time. Trying to undo what I or my family or the drugs had done was getting me nowhere. If, in fact, the trauma of my childhood and the drugs had destroyed many years of my life, why was I going to let them destroy even more?
Exhausted, I waved the white flag and decided that I didn’t want life to be a daily fight anymore. I wanted to thrive, not merely survive. I began to say yes to life, seeing that every day is not a fight but an opportunity. I said yes to life’s joy but also to life’s heartache and suffering. Once I began to accept all of my life experiences as gifts from above rather than battles that needed to be overcome, everything began to change.
In Hebrew the word “sin” means “to miss the mark.” Over the years, I have come to understand the greatest sin of our world is to miss life, to waste the present time, to throw away this beautiful day we have been blessed with. For many, many years, I allowed my past to destroy my present, but not anymore.
So here I am 24 years later, sitting at my kitchen table typing these words to you. My kids are running around the house tearing it apart while on spring break, my dogs are barking outside as they want to be fed, and the morning sunlight is shining its soft rays through the window onto my keyboard—and I can't help but thank God for saving my life and giving me this bonus round.
It certainly didn’t happen overnight, but I can tell you that I now look at my past, with all of its pain, beauty, and sorrow, with deep gratitude. I thank that young, lost girl I once was for helping me get to this place of peace within my soul that I always hoped was possible. But mostly, I thank all of my past experiences for giving me the gift of compassion—compassion not only for myself, but also for all of the others out there who are lost, who are struggling, and who are exactly like me, just trying to find their way home.
Lynn Smith McKay has appeared on several television shows, including The Oprah Winfrey Show, MTV's True Life, and National Geographic. She has testified before Congress and is a member of the Advisory Board at the Partnership for a Drug Free America. Through personal appearances that draw rave reviews, McKay’s voice has inspired thousands of young people around the country at high schools, jails, and rehabilitation centers. Her addiction memoir, Rolling Away, was published by Simon and Schuster Books. McKay currently resides in the beautiful Texas Hill Country with her husband, Brady, and two children, Charlie and Parker.