Gemma Hartley has gained international fame as a freelance writer and author of several books. Most notably, Fed Up explores the complicated relationships between romantic partners and the invisible mental load many women endure.
Tell me about your first book, Fed Up.
I really stumbled into being the expert on the mental load and emotional labor because of my viral article “Women Aren’t Nags - We’re Just Fed Up” in Harper’s Bazaar. I only had six months to write the book and hadn’t done any previous research other than what was required for the original article. It was a steep learning curve and a completely chaotic deadline with three young kids in the house. During the writing of that book, I became deeply passionate about the subject because I began to see all the ways the mental load and emotional labor affect our daily lives.
How Did Fed Up blow up?
My article was shared over 2 million times within the first week of publication and prompted agents to reach out asking me about the potential of writing a book on the topic. Within a single month, I had a signed contract with HarperCollins, and a six month deadline to write the book. It was an absolute whirlwind. Since the book came out, I’ve traveled around the world speaking on the topic of emotional labor and the mental load. The fact that I can say I’ve been on Good Morning America and spoken at the Sydney Opera House still feels surreal.
What impact did writing Fed Up have on your own relationships?
I think writing this book saved my marriage. It didn’t feel in peril at the time, but I think the resentment that would have built up over the years if I had continued to be the sole person carrying the mental load in our household would have eventually become unsustainable. Shifting the balance of the mental load has made our relationship so much deeper and fulfilling, because we see, value, acknowledge and share the work it takes to keep our household running. I never feel alone or unvalidated in my relationship because my husband shows up so fully for our shared life.
What new projects are on the horizon?
I currently have a completed novel and a new book of essays that are on submission. In addition to the books, I’m working on releasing a podcast with my husband about our journey through balancing the mental load, as well as facilitating more group writing programs.
Tell me about your position as a writing coach.
As a dedicated writing coach, I offer personalized 1:1 support, guidance and accountability to help writers at any stage in their career achieve their writing goals. My current roster includes writers working in fantasy, memoir, mystery/thriller, researched non-fiction, and contemporary fiction. I’ve never liked a one-size-fits all approach, so I adapt to writers’ individual needs, ensuring that we create a framework that aligns with your goals and lifestyle.
What are you reading and listening to now?
I can’t stop thinking about Amanda Montei’s new book Touched Out about modern motherhood, and on a very different end of the reading spectrum, I’m finally reading the BookTok popular Fourth Wing, which is akin to cotton candy for one’s brain.
I’m always listening to The Lazy Genius podcast with Kendra Adachi, and she has a great recent podcast episode specifically on how to negotiate shared standards in your home, which is one of the key concepts in my book. It’s episode 325: “Dealing with Differences on How Something Is Done.”
Being the person in charge of noticing, planning, delegating and overseeing everything...? It takes a lot out of you