You know that saying, high on life? I never really gave it much thought before, mostly because I never really understood it. And then this past year happened...
I've experienced it lately as the moments that equally excite you, scare you and move you forward. That feeling after you finish something, and you catch yourself thinking... well, that was new, that was a thrill, that was terrifying. Okay. What's next? I want more of that.
Here's what I've learned about getting that next high: It doesn't just happen. It's a chance you take or an opportunity you choose. And sometimes, it's an opportunity you create yourself. (I'm all about those.)
In September, I launched The Leslie List, a companion to this column all about life's little luxuries. Nobody asked me to do it, which is exactly the point... it was an opportunity I made for myself. And the second that first issue landed, there it was again... new, thrilling, terrifying and completely worth it. Laura, our publisher, trusted the idea from the start and trusted me to run with it, and I don't take that lightly. Believing in yourself comes easily when you're not the only one doing it.
My favorite part of this whole high-on-life thing has nothing to do with me, though. It's when someone watches you go for it and thinks... hmm... maybe I could too.
In August, my husband got up at an open mic night at a local comedy club (and crushed it!). He's been a stand-up fan forever, and he's genuinely funny, but there is a difference between being funny at a dinner party with friends and writing five minutes, signing up and standing on stage with a mic while strangers and friends decide whether to laugh. He told me that watching me do Drop the Mic in June (my own combo of five minutes and fear) is what pushed him to do it.
I didn't do it for him. But he did it because of me.
The high for him wasn't the applause and laughter, he said. It was the part right before stepping onto that stage, when he was terrified but did it anyway. And a stage is a stage, whether it's the one with a microphone or the one you're currently living in.
Which brings me to a word I keep hearing way too much of lately: “reinvention.” I don't love it. Reinvention, to me, suggests the first version of you was wrong. But it wasn't. You're not becoming someone else, but rather going after something you've been circling for too long. More of a “reimagination” is what I like to think.
This month, I have two letters that seem unrelated but are actually very similar, which has sort of become an Ask Leslie theme lately.
One woman wants to start over in midlife but has no idea where the starting line is. The other is falling in love again and is nervous about letting herself be loved back. Different stages, but both women are standing at the edge of something new, wondering what to do.
And THAT is the beginning of the life high. You cannot get to the good part without going through the scary part.
Can you (re)imagine that?
What advice would you give to the woman who wants to reinvent herself in midlife but doesn't know where to start?
Dear Ready for More,
Think of it less as reinvention and more as reimagination. (Trust me, I'm right there with you.)
You're evolving into the next version of who you've always been! The hardest part, though, is starting.
It reminds me of walking into the ocean. At first, the water feels cold, so you ease in, splash some water on your shoulders and then finally take the plunge. Once you're in, you wonder why you waited so long.
Midlife is sort of the same. The key isn't to have the whole thing figured out. Just take one small step to create momentum you'll feel good about. Send the email. Sign up for the class. Research the idea.
And find your girl crush! Someone one or two chapters ahead of you who has already done the scary part. Most women are flattered to be asked, and she'll tell you the truth about how messy her beginning was, which is more useful than assuming she had it all figured out. (She didn't.)
Your evolution starts the moment your imagination takes its first step toward reality.
xx
Leslie
I'm entering a new relationship, and this is someone I can see as a life partner. Any tips for early on in the relationship and receiving love again?
Dear Open Heart,
Entering a new relationship and being excited about it is such a thrill! But I can tell by your question that you're being cautious about it, which is smart.
My first piece of advice is to go into this relationship with all your senses. What that means is to be fully aware of everything. Don't be blinded by love. Pay attention to how they treat the waiter. Notice whether every story about an ex is about how crazy that person was. Watch what happens when you're sick, busy or unavailable. The people I know who got hurt badly weren't missing information. They had it right in front of them.
The second part is to understand that this new person is not your former flame. Obvious, right? You might catch yourself flinching at things that have nothing to do with them. A text back takes four hours and your stomach drops, not because of anything they did, but because of someone else who did that on purpose. It's healthy to notice the flinch, but don't make this person pay for something they didn't do.
Regarding the ability to receive love again: That's a skill. When they do something thoughtful, resist the urge to quickly even the score. Just enjoy it. You deserve this! Being loved well can feel uncomfortable when you're out of practice, and your instinct may be to repay it fast so you don't have to sit in the vulnerability of just... receiving.
A few practical things for the early days:
Go slow with the logistics. Feel all the feels, but keep your place, your friends and your money. The right relationship should make your world bigger, not make your own world smaller.
Happy for you!
xx
Leslie
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"Your evolution starts the moment your imagination takes its first step toward reality."
"You cannot get to the good part without going through the scary part."