Welcome back to Ask Leslie! By the time you’re reading this, I’ll have returned from a trip to Illinois to visit my dad, a visit that was overdue. It brought me back to a question from the April column, from a reader navigating life as an adult child of divorced parents living in different states. She shared how much closer she feels to her mom, and how difficult it can be to make the trip to see her dad.
It stayed with me, likely because it felt so familiar. And in a bit of a plot twist, I found myself taking my own advice! I booked the ticket.
It had been nine months since my last visit. My dad isn’t able to travel to me, which made the decision feel simple and like something I should have done sooner (guilt trip)!
It’s experiences like this one that bring me back to why I started this column. My hope has always been that something here resonates, that a question or answer offers the feeling of being understood.
What I didn’t quite expect, however, is how sometimes your questions would reflect pieces of my own life.
You never really know where something will lead. But! I do know how grateful I am to be here, figuring it out alongside you.
In this month’s issue, all the questions circle a similar theme: relationships get complicated when unspoken expectations take over.
As always, thanks for reading!
xx Leslie
A family friend recently confided over lunch that my brother-in-law owes her $10,000. My husband hasn’t said a word to his brother. She wonders if there was a misunderstanding, whether it was a loan or a gift, but either way, it doesn’t sit well with me. Do I stay out of it or suggest that my husband step in?
Dear Bothered,
Money is already complicated.
Part of me suspects your family friend brought this up at lunch deliberately. It may have been her way of hoping you or your husband would step in and say something. Still, I don’t think getting involved here is the right move.
For one, your brother-in-law likely has no idea you’re aware of this situation. Bringing it up could put him in an uncomfortable position and create tension.
This is between your family friend and your husband’s brother. If she’s concerned about the money, the most straightforward path is for her to reach out to him directly and clarify what the agreement actually was. If you feel comfortable, you can gently encourage her to do just that.
It’s hard to imagine someone simply forgetting a $10,000 loan. But if there’s any ambiguity, a direct conversation is the only way to clear it up.
-Leslie
My neighbor, who I consider myself friendly with, has a beautiful home on our lovely cul de sac. She doesn't take care of her property outside her fence, which is still her property, and she’s aware of that. She’s even told me I can do whatever I want with it. I’ve been trying to keep the peace and have been paying my landscapers to manicure that area. How do I address this in a kind, non-bossy way? This has been an issue for five years and I’m getting tired of it.
Dear in the Weeds,
This feels like a “how did this become my job?” issue.
The tricky part is that over five years, a pattern has been created and your neighbor likely assumes the arrangement works because, well… it has. Especially since you’ve been kind enough to handle it without fuss. So if you suddenly come in frustrated, she may be caught off guard.
Instead of approaching this as a confrontation, I’d approach it as an update.
Keep it light, direct, and neighborly:
“Hey! I wanted to mention that I’m probably going to stop having my landscapers maintain that area moving forward. Since it’s part of your property, I figured I’d give you a heads up so you can add it to your landscaping schedule if you’d like.”
No passive aggression.
If she already has landscapers maintaining the rest of her property, there’s no reason they can’t extend the cleanup a few extra feet.
Also, you do not need to wait for the area to become overgrown before saying something. You’re allowed to set a boundary before you reach the point of total annoyance.
-Leslie
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