A few years ago, my oldest daughter came home from school and walked through the front door as I handed my husband the baby and ran out the back door. I was running late for work and didn’t say hello or goodbye. I had found myself in a position where my work had enveloped my thoughts so much that I didn’t recognize it was taking from the most influential relationship I will ever have.
It’s embarrassing when you’re the expert in parent-child relationships, yet you fall short on your own. Luckily, I had many tools and research to pull from that kept me from getting stuck there, and none of us should ever feel we are stuck here. The literature on children tells us that kids aren’t that complicated; they need us to get on their level and give them a little of our undivided selves.
Undivided means leaving your world and entering theirs, and even letting them be in control. Our kids grow up with very little control, and they shouldn’t have too much control, as it’s difficult for them to make good choices when their brains aren’t fully developed for that mature decision-making. Because of this, we tell them what to eat, when to sleep, what to wear, and so on.
We manage most of their decisions, and when there’s not a good connection between us, decision-making management can turn into power-control stakeouts or empty blank stares, and we all know what that feels like. Your child feels terrible, and you feel terrible. Many of these moments are influenced by our kids not feeling deeply connected to and understood by us. Giving our children that undivided connection and control is a saver; you need 15 minutes and some imagination and passion for your kid.
Here’s the magically simple way to bridge your developing relationship with your child. Set a timer and spend 15 undivided minutes playing with your child. Play a game or do an activity of their choice where they are completely in charge, and you are agreeable and going along. Don’t correct their rules and allow them to lead the play. Let them tell you what toys to play with, what you should do with them, what voice you should use, and so on.
Join completely in their world. Put your phone far away, and don’t touch it. If you have multiple children, have the other children do an activity in another room. For 15 minutes, they are your center, where they feel powerful and interesting to you.
When the timer is up, tell your child the timer is up, and you need to get back to the other kids or whatever other task you have. Tell them you enjoyed playing with them and will do it again tomorrow. That’s it! That is the magical research from child play therapy experts. The brain science on what’s happening when you do this with them is compelling, but it seems so overly simple that it can be hard to actually do. Try this consistently with your child for three weeks. It’s easier to appreciate the person our child is when we truly know and enjoy them.
The literature on children tells us that kids aren’t that complicated; they need us to get on their level and give them a little of our undivided selves.