Let’s face it—you can’t pour from an empty cup. And if you’ve ever tried, you know it usually ends with resentment, exhaustion or eating three extra slices of pie just to cope.
As a trauma-informed holistic mental health practitioner (and someone who’s heard every family dinner horror story imaginable), I can tell you this: Setting healthy boundaries during the holidays isn’t selfish—it’s science. Neuroscience shows that when we set and hold boundaries, we think clearly and speak kindly. This helps avoid snapping at Uncle Joe when he brings up politics—or when Cousin Linda asks if you’re seeing anyone new… again.
Here are 10 ways to protect your peace (and your nervous system) this holiday season.
1. Reflect on Your “Why”
Before you say yes to anything, remember your inner peace is everything. From hosting dinner to buying another gift, pause and ask, Why am I saying yes to this? Studies on motivation and behavior show that acting from alignment, not obligation, decreases cortisol and boosts self-esteem.
2. Set Realistic Expectations
Ditch perfection and choose progress. Your brain’s reward system releases dopamine when you complete tasks—not when you chase goals. Simplify your to-do list to what really matters, and let go of the rest.
3. Prioritize Tasks With Intention
Ask yourself, What’s a must? Overcommitting floods your system with stress hormones like adrenaline and cortisol. Choosing a few meaningful commitments instead keeps your body regulated and your mind at ease.
4. Say “No” With Confidence
Saying no doesn’t make you unkind—it makes you clear. Research in assertiveness training shows that confident communication activates calm neural pathways, while people-pleasing keeps the brain in chronic stress mode. Protect your peace by declining commitments that don’t align with your goals or values.
In our fast-paced digital world, it’s easy to feel FOMO—the fear of missing out. Instead, try JOMO: the joy of missing out. Creating space for rest and reflection gives you back your agency, and choice is powerful.
5. Communicate When Boundaries Are Crossed
Boundaries aren’t walls—they’re bridges for healthy connection. When someone steps over yours, address it calmly. Try: “I prefer to talk about this another time,” or “I appreciate your interest, but I’m not discussing that right now.” Direct communication helps both parties stay regulated and respected.
6. Use the “Flip the Script” Method
This one’s a favorite—like giving yourself a high-five when you see how well it works. When the dinner table questions start (“Have you found a new job yet?” “Why aren’t you married?” “Are you ever having kids?”), take a deep breath and respond: “Thanks for asking! What’s new and good with you?”
This small redirect activates empathy circuits in the brain, shifting tension to connection. Suddenly, Aunt Sally is telling you all about her cruise to Alaska, and you’re no longer discussing the china pattern for your fantasy wedding registry.
7. Honor Your Time Fiercely
Time is your most valuable resource. Research shows that time scarcity increases stress more than money scarcity. Schedule downtime like an appointment. You can’t show up for others—or “fa la la” anything—if you’re running on fumes.
8. Practice Self-Regulation
It doesn’t take long to reset your nervous system. Try deep breathing, gentle humming or singing to activate the vagus nerve—your body’s calm-response system. To give your amygdala the ultimate hug, try a slow, rhythmic touch on your hands, arms or face while thinking of something pleasant.
This neuroscience-based method, called Havening Techniques, gently rewires the brain and can be self-applied.
9. Be Consistent With Your Boundaries
Consistency trains both your brain and others to trust your limits. Over time, this reduces conflict and builds emotional resilience. Remember: Boundaries are an act of self-respect that ripple outward. Everyone benefits from a calmer, more grounded you.
10. Be Kind to Your Mind
Stress is inevitable. Suffering is optional. Hit the emotional reset button when you feel overwhelmed. Go for a walk, step outside for fresh air or excuse yourself for a few minutes of quiet. Your brain—and your future self—will thank you.
Healthy boundaries aren’t about keeping people out. They’re about letting peace in.
So this holiday season, before you pour another cup for someone else, check yours first—and refill as needed. A regulated nervous system is the gift that keeps on giving.
About Hilary Russo
Hilary Russo is a Bergen County-based trauma-informed holistic practitioner, health coach, journalist, international speaker and author. She is one of only 50 certified Havening Techniques trainers worldwide and a certified practitioner of this neuroscience-based method.
With a background in media and the military, Russo brings first-hand insight to her work with clients facing secondary trauma, stress and burnout. Her globally top-rated podcast, HIListically Speaking (top 1.5%), features inspiring conversations with leading voices in holistic health, wellness and neuroscience.
Connect with Hilary at hilaryrusso.com or on social media @hilaryrusso.