We are a nosy bunch. Whether we admit it, or not, most of us crave at least an occasional peek into the lives of others. Our motivations vary; base curiosity, a chance to discover and ponder our own relative normalcy or freak factor, and sometimes our deep dive into the business of other people, represents pure escapism, a guilty pleasure we keep hidden from the world. And as we enter year two of constant togetherness, who can blame us for having a wandering eye...for reality tv! Luckily, most of us have access to a steady stream of unscripted television giving us a front row seat to the homes, habits, and relationship dramas of imperfect strangers. All without leaving the house...because we can’t.
Lifetime’s Critic’s Choice Award winning series, Married at First Sight is in its twelfth season and features ten not-so-lucky-in-love singles who agree to enter a legally binding marriage when they first meet their “match” as selected by dating and relationship professionals. It seems like a wild idea, but it is not without success that stems from the earnest and true desire of the participants who are described as “Good people, struggling to get what they want” by Dr. Pepper Schwartz, one the featured relationship experts.
Speaking from her home outside Seattle, Pepper Schwartz Ph.D., sociologist, sexologist and tenured professor at the University of Washington, explains that people apply to take part in the show because they genuinely “want a happy ending,” and the audience is rooting for the same thing. The shows best ratings happen when both participants, fans and professionals get what they want in the end, a successful marriage and an authentic love story.
As Schwartz, sees it, some people struggle with relationships because they haven’t committed to being reasonable. When people start dating very early, by the time they are twenty five they may have been hurt so many times that the experience makes them overprotective of their heart. More people would get what they want she says if they work to be more open and flexible. “If you have more than 3 main desires in a partner, you’ll be disappointed or lonely.” While she believes couples can be very different and still very good together, she explains the importance of deciding if a difference is a desire, or a dealbreaker. A desire may be a loss that is resolved with compromise, or overlooked, while a dealbreaker can lead to a hard stop.
When it comes to love and relationships in this time of COVID, Dr. Schwartz urges people to remember that we have never had this much of each other. “Everything does better with more space”, she says. It’s crucial to find ways to create space for each other. One way to do so is to consider things closed until opened: desks, individual walks, etc. Everyone needs alone time to read or breathe. Finding new ways to spend time together, (endless, tedious, infinite time), can make it more fun; subscribe to a meal kit service and commit to cooking together, create a Netflix routine with wine and/or popcorn. Be intentional about being together — or apart.
Dr. Schwartz says we need to be ready to take responsibility and accept accountability for our behavior, while acknowledging the outside forces of this pandemic influencing our actions. “Don’t think of this as the real you. Normal behavior doesn’t exist in abnormal times. Yes, we are under pressure, so we have to recognize, apologize and do better.” Schwartz says a good apology happens quickly and has the most impact..”I was out of line, I’m sorry.” For really big deals it’s best to take a break, make an appointment to discuss it, don’t stuff it. It’s okay to go to bed mad, it might be better, just not all the time, as long as you commit to having the discussion issues won’t be swept under the rug. Think of it like waiting for your therapists appointment.
“If you really want a successful life, you might want to be a grown up—compromise.”
To read more quick tips, consider Snap Strategies for couples, 40 fast fixes for everyday relationship pitfalls by Dr. Pepper Schwartz and Dr. Lana Staheli. www.pepperschwartz.com