Everybody wants their man to be a grounding, comforting, path-clearing presence. But what if we’re tapped out? It’s beyond frustrating to deplete ourselves trying to provide for others only to receive disapproving looks and criticism in return. To get out of this exhausting cycle, the first and most important thing to do is to take your energy and stop focusing on what you can't control.
The problem is that we’re fixated on something that’s completely outside of ourselves. This focus is a recipe for running out of resources before you get anywhere.
Here are a few small but pivotal mindset shifts that can help you put what you have where it counts.
In your relationship: “How can I get her to feel/think/say/stop doing…” is the beginning of many questions men bring to me. But you’ll notice we’re already trying to control her and setting up to lose control of ourselves. What if your job isn’t to make her less mad, exhausted, or disappointed? What if you could sit with, care for, and master the part of you that can’t tolerate it when she is?
Some guys mistakenly think this would mean I no longer care, but it’s surprisingly the opposite. When I can regulate that scared part of me—the part that’s learned to own how other people respond to me—I stay grounded, confident, and kind. I’m empowered to be what my partner needs instead of someone desperate to fix (or escape) their emotional state.
As a father: You can’t control how your kids see you, but you can nurture the part of you that wants to be their hero. The voice that says I’m a failure when they disobey, push back, or give attitude prompts the worst parenting decisions. It’s to that part of myself first that I need to be a kind and patient parent. When shoring up my identity is no longer my kids’ responsibility, I’m free to be what they need in the moment.
In your identity: All men desire respect, and yes, we have to earn it. But some people aren’t prone to give it even when we do. So, what I can do is be loving but firm with the part of me that’s desperate to please. I don’t allow the respect I show myself to be on the line, and I give others permission to choose their attitude.
Under pressure: We all want to be the guy others know they can count on—but you still can’t control the chaos of work or the world. The harsh inner critic demanding you up your game is spinning you out. The kinder you can be to yourself when overwhelmed, disappointed, etc., the steadier you’ll actually be.
Noticing a pattern? Always bring it back to what’s going on inside you that you need to own. That’s where we first choose if we’re going to be the man. That’s where it’s hardest, because you can do everything right and still sometimes lose. But if you build a wise and loving inner life, it will naturally flow into everything you do—win or lose.
Always bring it back to what’s going on inside you that you need to own. That’s where we first choose if we’re going to be the man.