Fitness? Yeah. I know all about fitness … “fitness” Philly cheesesteak in my mouth, that is.
But it is possible that you are actually serious about getting fit this year, and even just recently made a resolution that you absolutely must follow or else you’ll have to wait a whole ‘nother year before making it again. Dreadful!
Don’t worry. If you live in an area where Eden Prairie Lifestyle is distributed, then you are never alone. You have Eden Prairie Lifestyle, which is rammed full of neat tips on how to live healthier, get fitter, and just generally be more healthier and fitter than you currently are.
Follow any of the following tips if you want to add multiple decades to your life. Follow them all if you wish to achieve immortality, which may ultimately inconvenience you as you become the only sentient organism remaining in our solar system once the sun burns out five billion years from now (give or take a couple of years).
GET A DOG
Want to exercise with encouragement from a cute pal? Get a dog (or another dog, if you already have one or more dogs). Your new dog will require walks, or else (s)he will become an irascible scoundrel who:
- Chews on your priceless antique furniture
- Wakes you up by barking at odd hours of the night
- Growls rudely
And do you know what else walks do, aside from civilizing the dog? They burn calories. You and your dog will be ready for swimsuit season before either of you know it.
DO EXTREME SPORTS
The Eden Prairie Lifestyle editorial team has conducted exhaustive market research*, and determined that the average Eden Prairie Lifestyle reader is an inveterate adrenaline junkie. It’s a trait all magazine readers share!
Tightrope walking across the Grand Canyon. BASE jumping off the IDS Center. Saying truly rude things to big, scary-looking dudes and then running away real fast. Are all of these activities legal, or even advisable? No. But you can’t argue that they won’t burn calories.
*Disclaimer: We actually did not.
EAT HEALTHY
Enjoy salads.*
*Disclaimer: Do not eat healthy at the expense of failing to dine regularly with beloved Eden Prairie Lifestyle sponsors Baker’s Ribs, Butcher and Bartender, The Hearth, Office Golf, and Tavern 4&5. Make sure to also patronize Sergeant Shortbread and Nothing Bundt Cakes. What – are you supposed to stop eating cookies and cakes altogether just because you’re trying to be healthier? Ha! A ridiculous proposition, even for a disclaimer to pose for rhetorical effect.
READ EDEN PRAIRIE LIFESTYLE
The Eden Prairie Lifestyle editorial team recently hooked up scientific equipment to rats’ brains and then instructed the rats to read Eden Prairie Lifestyle. Here’s what we learned until the rats started biting us:
- Reading Eden Prairie Lifestyle increases brain activity by over ninety-five percent
- Increased brain activity resulting from reading Eden Prairie Lifestyle requires the body to burn so many calories
- Rats are surprisingly good biters
Want even more neat health and fitness tips? Consult the internet.