A long-time friend and warrior of life was asked to write this article as we knew he had powerful words to extrapolate the battle that many men endure with mental health. Sergeant Damon Smith shares the underbelly of protecting and serving our communities while searching for peace from life's terrifying realities. - Editor
No Cheers
Honestly, I turned down writing this article twice —once when it was offered and again when I tried to allow someone I still feel is more qualified. But they insisted. I’ve been writing short stories for a while, and they’ve gained traction in my small sphere. But I’ve never written anything like this, so when asked to write an article for the Men’s Mental Health edition, I figured I’d do what I do best… Tell a little story.
No Cheers
Law Enforcement is a funny thing… Some get into it because it’s a job with a steady income, and others are interested in it because of the things they see on the screen. Then, there’s people like me. I don’t remember wanting to be anything else… EVER. When I played with my friends as a kid, I was always the cop.
When I rode my bike, I was John Baker cruising the California freeways in CHiPs.
Then I had a moment…. I was eleven or twelve, sitting in my kitchen listening to the new U2 Joshua Tree album on my Sony Walkman, and the song “Mother’s of The Disappeared” was playing while I was reading a car magazine. The article was a comparison of police cars. There was a huge photo of the cars lined up across the page with the desert in the foreground… That was the moment. The moment I knew what I was going to do.
But before that part of the story came to life, "football" came along. I never really watched or cared about it, but I was pretty good at it… or just good enough. As a result, I ultimately found myself at UCLA, earning a starting position, which enabled me to play against and with a few Hall of Famers.
Even then, I knew I still wanted to be a cop.
But…I’ve got to admit… There’s nothing like being in a stadium and having a hundred thousand people rise in cheers for you after a big play… Nothing. I understand why fame and performance can be so intoxicating. It’s probably the thing I miss the most. Eventually, my athletic career ended, and I was picked up by a police department. Over the next twenty-three years, I saw a few things and lost a few people.
There are no cheers when one chases down a lousy guy… No cheers when you win a fight…And… No cheers when you save the day… but it still feels good.
Then there are the bad days…
Hollywood does a good job of portraying the madness we see and go through, both the department dysfunction and the action when a city is on fire. To some extent, they also represent the dark places those moments take you to... withdrawal from loved ones, self-medicating, and self-destructive behaviors.
They don’t show how you get out of those dark places. When those bad days happen, at least for me, I go into a fog, a surreal, muted world. I float through my everyday life, interacting and speaking with people around me, but it’s all autopilot.
Behind the smiles and responses, my brain replays whatever happened on a continuous loop, processing it over and over until I can make sense of it, learn from it, or just be okay with it. Sometimes, it’s for hours and others… much more. Sleep in that world is hard to come by as my mind goes over every move, every word, and every decision—an orchestra of events playing in my head.
When the kids come to me in that world, I do my best to break out, but some situations are more complex than others. Over the years, I’ve found that my family and children are the only people who can keep me out of the swirl. I’ve had friends come to me when they were hurting. It’s always surprises me when they do. My brain says, “You’re asking me?” I’ve been honest about my struggles and tell friends how I cope—the tactics I use to tame the storm raging in my head.
I’ve spent what feels like a lifetime in high-stress positions. The most stressful part is being a Crimes of Violence Detective working on homicides. One case in particular changed things for me. It was the murder of one of our own officers. We ultimately caught the people and solved another case in the process. But something inside me broke. I was never the same or able to work to that level again.
After the case, work no longer consumed me; I started doing things away from work to keep my mind occupied and escape. Eventually, this became my new normal. The kids became the focus when my wife and I started our family—my source of strength. I turned down overtime and took more vacation time than before. We started traveling the country in our RV. Then, there was a defining moment.
We were in a small Nebraska town visiting a winery. Yes… they have wineries in Nebraska. After exploring the property, dinner, and drinks, we were in the trailer and settled in with the kids. The kids and I were playing a silly game of Uno together when I realized…. I was in one of the happiest moments of my life. I told my wife.
There were no cheers at that moment, but knowing what I know now, I wouldn’t trade it to feel any stadium rise for me again. We don’t have many of those moments in life, but recognizing them when they happen makes them even better.
I still love what I do, but I drew a line in the sand. It’s my job, a small part of my life, not my whole life anymore. I do my best to leave work at work, but sometimes it follows me. My wife has learned to give me space when I need it. Knowing how to help someone takes patience and time. And then there’s the other thing I’ve come to rely on, time. I’ve had some wounds, figuratively and literally. While time may not heal every wound, eventually, it dulls the pain enough to live with it. You need to be patient enough for that time to come. I’ve seen the results of those who haven’t.
Seeking peace for each trauma we experience is necessary, healthy, and cathartic. We encourage our readers always to seek out their support networks, professional community resources, and Churches to acknowledge trauma and move toward closure. Cheers Canton.
An orchestra of events playing in my head.
I wouldn’t trade it to feel any stadium rise for me again.