AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID. I WAS PETRIFIED. The single-seat aircraft I had been piloting on my first-ever attempted voyage to Ice Cream Island ran out of aircraft gas while I was passing over someplace terrible.
I had crash-landed … smack, dab in the heart … of the Tax Jungle.
I knew how much trouble I was in the instant I stepped out of the fiery wreckage, uninjured. To my left was a pack of Late Filing Jaguars. To my right, a phalanx of Estimated Tax Underpayment Baboons. Just above my head dangled a monstrous Incorrectly Deposited Employment Tax Spider.
It was in these spooky surroundings that I encountered that most dreaded Tax Jungle denizen of them all: an IRS Headhunter. He stepped forward and spoke to me in a menacing, incomprehensible tongue: The amount otherwise includible in gross income under subsection (a) in respect of any security shall be reduced by an amount equal to the amount (if any) of the loss described in subsection (a)(2) which did not result in a reduction of the taxpayer’s tax–
“EEK!” I screamed in panic. “I’ve really stepped in it now! I am stranded in the Tax Jungle, where I am utterly clueless about how anything works. If only a federally authorized IRS Enrolled Agent with over three decades of experience were here to save me!”
And then – at that precise moment – a heavenly holler shattered the gloom.
AAH-EEH-AH-EEH-AAAAAAH-EEH-AH-EEH-AAAAAH
She swooped in on a vine from out of nowhere! She scooped me up in one arm and carried me off to safety! She deftly guided me to the edge of the Tax Jungle without letting me lose my gourd in the process. She was just the hero I needed in my darkest hour. Vickie Nordquist: founder of Nordquist Tax & Business Services.
She spoke to me before I set off toward civilization.
“If you live in the United States, then I have unfortunate news for you,” Vickie said as the cool morning breeze played with her hair. “You’re subject to the longest and most detailed tax code ever written: the Internal Revenue Code. Millions of words. Thousands of forms. Notoriously byzantine rules for deductions and credits. Fact is, you can never really leave the Tax Jungle. You’re stuck in it … for life.”
I started to gasp in horror, but stopped when Vickie raised a reassuring finger.
“But that’s OK,” she continued. “I’m here to help you survive here without fear or worry. You can rely on me and my expert team for all your personal and corporate tax needs, as well as bookkeeping!
“If there’s a silver lining to our country’s tax code, then it’s this: It’s actually full of nice surprises once you know where to look for them. I rarely meet with a new client who isn’t taking advantage of every valuable opportunity available to them.
“For example, do you care for a disabled child? Then you may already be aware that you can receive compensation. But did you also know that those wages are deductible on your federal tax return? If not, then you’re not alone. I’ve worked with many families that weren’t leveraging this deduction, and amended their returns to the tune of thousands of dollars.
“Are you hired as an independent contractor? Are you aware that you can set up an S Corp to effectively halve the number of times you pay Social Security taxes? It’s true! We can show you how it works, step by step. And our bookkeeping services will ensure you report every business expense, including all the ones most people overlook.
“Have you recently received a letter from the IRS? Then you may have no idea what it actually means, but you’re reasonably sure of one thing. It’s cause for genuine alarm … until you bring it to Nordquist Tax & Business Services’ attention, that is. However cryptic the IRS’s message might appear, we’ll get to the heart of the issue and address it right away. Maybe it’s a full-blown audit. Maybe it’s virtually nothing; a request for a missing bit of info, perhaps. In any event, we’ll be at your side.
“Some of our clients can’t figure out how to create the account they need in order to communicate with the IRS. Some are seasoned entrepreneurs who are still in over their heads when it comes to payroll (as they rightly ought to be). But ultimately, who you are is of no matter. I didn’t become an accountant because I love intricate rules, or math. I did it because I love helping people from all walks of life. That’s really all there is to it!”
I thanked Vickie again for saving me from the Tax Jungle’s brutish fiends and fiendish brutes. The stress. The uncertainty. The gnawing fear that everything I’d worked so hard for would be – pouf – evaporated by the United States government. They all faded away. And the money Vickie saved me on taxes? I’ve already put it toward a nice new airplane.
I’ll make it to Ice Cream Island someday, dear reader. We all will
Vickie and company are standing by to ELIMINATE ALL BOTHER. Visit NordquistTax.com or call (952) 232-6262 to schedule a FREE-AS-SUNSHINE in-person or virtual consultation!