I work with many couples and individuals who are highly intelligent, thoughtful, and professionally successful. A theme I often hear in their stories is the struggle to reconcile their life experiences with the amount of effort they are putting into changing those experiences.
“I try so hard to be a good spouse to serve, to listen, and to be present.”
Or:
“I don’t understand why I keep getting stuck in the same toxic relationship.”
I often notice that when people become frustrated with these patterns, they want to make a drastic change in order to “fix” the situation. Sometimes that change is necessary. But other times, the desire to fix the problem too quickly can actually lead to more pain and suffering. The issue may not be that something simply needs to be fixed. It may be that we first need to understand why the pattern exists in the first place. And to do that, I believe we have to begin with a difficult practice: radically accepting the reality of what is.
That does not mean that we are destined to remain in our pain for the rest of our lives. Acceptance is not resignation. It does not mean giving up, becoming passive, or deciding that nothing can change. Rather, radical acceptance means acknowledging where we actually are before we begin trying to determine where we want to go. We have to start with the “isness” of life.
What Is Radical Acceptance?
Psychologist and meditation teacher Tara Brach describes radical acceptance as the willingness to recognize our present-moment experience clearly and meet it with compassion rather than continually fighting against reality. Psychologist Kristin Neff's work on self-compassion similarly emphasizes the importance of accepting ourselves while also taking constructive action when change is needed. I often use a simple example to illustrate this idea.
Imagine that you are at the mall. You want to go to Dillard's, but you discover that you are standing in Macy's.You have several choices.
You could become angry that you are in the wrong store. You could spend twenty minutes telling yourself that you shouldn't be there. You could criticize yourself for getting lost. You could even convince yourself that you are actually in Dillard's when you are clearly standing in Macy's.
None of those responses will get you where you want to go.
The first thing you have to do is acknowledge the reality: I am at Macy's. Once you accept that, you can figure out how to get to Dillard's.
The analogy is obviously simple, but I think it illustrates something important about how we often approach our lives. We become exhausted not only by our circumstances, but by our belief that we are somewhere other than where we “should” be.
We think:
I shouldn't be struggling in my marriage.
I should be further along in my career.
I shouldn't still be dealing with this.
I should have figured this out by now.
My life was supposed to look different.
The more energy we spend fighting the reality of where we are, the less energy we have available to understand our circumstances and determine what needs to happen next.
Acceptance Does Not Mean Approval
One of the most important distinctions about radical acceptance is that accepting something does not mean approving of it.
You can accept that your marriage is struggling without believing that your marriage should remain that way.
You can accept that your relationship with your partner has become unhealthy without deciding that you have to stay in it.
You can accept that you have developed a problematic relationship with alcohol without believing that your alcohol use is acceptable or harmless.
In fact, sometimes meaningful change cannot begin until we are willing to acknowledge the truth about what is happening. If we cannot accept that something is happening, we cannot honestly address it. This is particularly important when we are dealing with patterns of denial, shame, anxiety, or self-loathing. We may try to escape those uncomfortable feelings by immediately developing a plan to change ourselves or our circumstances. But sometimes the plan becomes another way of avoiding what we do not want to see. We rush toward the solution because we are uncomfortable sitting with the problem. Radical acceptance asks us to slow down.
Before asking, “How do I change this?” we may first need to ask:
“What is actually happening?”
And perhaps even more importantly:
“Can I be present with what is happening without immediately judging myself for it?”
Staying in the Isness
There is something powerful about allowing ourselves to remain in the “isness” of our lives for a moment. Not forever. Not passively. Just long enough to see clearly. When we can acknowledge, this is where I am. This is what my relationship currently looks like. This is the pattern I keep repeating. This is the way I am responding. This is the pain I am experiencing; we create the possibility of understanding.
From that place, our actions can become less reactive. Instead of desperately trying to escape discomfort, we can begin responding to our circumstances with greater wisdom and compassion. This is particularly important in relationships. We cannot control our partners. We cannot force another person to change, become emotionally available, communicate differently, or meet all of our needs.
We can, however, radically accept the reality of who our partner is and the reality of the relationship we are actually experiencing. From there, we can begin asking better questions:
What is mine to change?
What is not mine to control?
What boundaries do I need?
What responsibility do I need to take?
What does compassion require of me?
What would a healthy response look like?
Acceptance becomes the starting point for discernment.
And discernment creates the possibility of meaningful change.
Radical Acceptance and Compassion
Perhaps the hardest part of radical acceptance is learning to meet ourselves with compassion. It is relatively easy to say, “This is what is happening.” It is much harder to say, “This is what is happening, and I can meet myself here without hating myself for it.”
For many people, shame has become the primary response to their struggles. They discover something painful about themselves and immediately begin attacking themselves:
What's wrong with me?
Why am I like this?
How could I have done this again?
I should know better.
But shame rarely creates the kind of honest reflection that produces lasting change. When we feel threatened by our own self-judgment, we are often more likely to hide, deny, defend, or avoid. Compassion creates a different possibility.
We can acknowledge our mistakes without defining ourselves by them.
We can acknowledge our limitations without believing that we are worthless.
We can acknowledge our pain without allowing that pain to become our identity.
And we can acknowledge where we are without giving up on where we might eventually go.
Questions for Reflection
If you are struggling with a situation in your life, consider taking some time to sit with the following questions:
What parts of my life do I need to radically accept, no matter how difficult that may be?
Can I meet those areas of my life with curiosity rather than immediate judgment?
Do I experience shame when I look honestly at these areas of my life?
What would it look like to practice self-compassion rather than self-condemnation?
Can I allow myself to sit in the darkness of this experience for a moment without immediately trying to escape it?
What is actually within my control, and what is not?
Once I have accepted where I am, what actions could I take that are compassionate rather than reactive?
Radical acceptance is not the end of growth. It may actually be the beginning. Before we can find our way to a different reality, we have to become willing to acknowledge the reality in which we currently live. Sometimes the path toward liberation and growth begins by simply saying:
This is where I am.
This is what is.
And now, from here, I can begin.