I often find it incredibly painful to witness my keiki experience failure. It brings back memories of my childhood and the hurtful feelings I endured—feelings I wish to shield my children from at all costs. With all the resources and knowledge I've accumulated over the years, my deepest desire is to give them more than I had and protect them from things I experienced that made me uncomfortable.
As I scroll through social media, I am overwhelmed by the constant stream of distressing news from around the world, heightening my anxiety about my kids' safety. There’s a constant flow of information letting me know that everything everywhere can cause my keiki problems in some way. From the plastic Ziplocs I put their sandwich lunch in, to the sunscreen I use to shield them from a sunburn, to the friend's house they visit to build a friendship, to the soccer league they’re in. Somebody somewhere is saying it’s bad, and I should be a better parent and help them. It makes one think that bubble wrapping our kids might be the best option in today's overly informed world.
Interestingly, the research on child development does not agree, showing that shielding them from every obstacle does not guarantee a healthy, well-adjusted life in the future. In graduate school, a mentor shared a poignant story about the necessity of struggle, illustrating it through a father-son duo walking along the beach. They observed baby turtles hatching and making their way down to the ocean. Some hatchlings stumbled and fell on their sides and struggled to get to the sea, prompting the father and son to rush in and help by scooping them up and placing them gently in the water. Surprisingly, those turtles began to sink and struggle in the water, while the ones who persevered on their own through the sand swam confidently into the ocean. The well-meaning assistance from the father and son had ultimately hindered the turtles; the struggle from the nest to the sea had equipped the turtles with the strength, skills, and resilience they needed to survive in the ocean.
Humans, like those turtles, also benefit from some struggle. Our children need to face challenges, particularly while we are present to guide and support them. It’s essential for their growth and development. As parents, we need to provide love, support, and affirmation, but we should resist the urge to rescue them from every hardship. Without experiencing challenges, our keiki may not develop the resilience they need to navigate life's waters.
Too often, our instinct is to "helicopter" over our kids, offering them access to all the good things, but it’s preventing them from learning how to overcome difficult things. Facing these challenges teaches kids to bounce back from failure and to trust in their abilities to confront adversities. When we quickly remove obstacles from their paths, we unintentionally hinder their growth and potential.
I often long to scoop my little ones up and place them safely in the ocean, saying, "Go swim!" But sometimes the most loving thing I can do as a parent is to allow them to work through the struggle. This isn’t neglect; rather, it’s essential guidance. I don’t advocate for neglecting kids—that would be the worst approach. However, stepping back is occasionally helpful for them. The literature suggests that guiding children through challenges, helping them navigate their emotions, and teaching them how to respond with healthy behavior is key. Struggling with supportive parents around is not detrimental; it is foundational. By letting them face their obstacles, we empower them. This builds their self-esteem and confidence. Let your children swim, but first, let them struggle.
Here are a few steps to support you and your kid through challenges:
1. Self-Reflection: Begin by checking in with yourself. Ask yourself why you feel the urge to rescue your child from a specific challenge. Are you projecting unresolved pain from your own childhood experiences onto them? Recognize your feelings and work to separate them from your child's journey. This self-awareness is necessary to ensure you’re not inadvertently influencing their experiences with your own unresolved issues.
2. Emotion Coaching: Instead of rushing to their rescue or ignoring them, focus on helping your kids through their difficulties by using emotion coaching. Empower them by asking gentle, open-ended questions such as, "How are you feeling?" "What do you think you can do?" or "How can I support you?" Validate their feelings and help them recognize what’s going on inside them so they can face the outside world. This approach promotes critical thinking and self-efficacy while maintaining a secure atmosphere for you, the parent. Be mindful to communicate in a tone that is encouraging and avoids condescension. You want them to feel your patience and that they matter.
3. Exercise Common Sense: Always prioritize your child’s safety. If they are facing abuse or real harm, advocate for them fiercely and seek to remove them from the situation. In cases of genuine danger, it is crucial to act decisively and without hesitation. There is no room for "allowing them to struggle" in situations where their well-being is at serious risk—your primary responsibility is to protect them from real harm, not daily struggle. Redirect them away from real danger.
By following these steps, we can help our children navigate their challenges while fostering resilience and interdependence. Best of luck to you and your family as you navigate the new school year. If you see me around town forgetting my own advice, remind me it’s ok to let my keiki struggle so they can swim!