"Don't sit so close to that screen!"
"Your eyes will turn square or go blind!"
My parents' comments about television are seared into my brain. New things have always been met with some trepidation! (Remember when rock and roll would lead to sex and drugs?!) So, it's no surprise that we wonder whether today's technology is good for our kids.
We, parents, have infinite love for our children. We hurt when they hurt. We carry their scars of being left out or bullied. We grew up during stranger danger, where men in white vans would kidnap using promises of puppies or candy! We want the best opportunities for our kids. It's no wonder why many of us succumbed to purchasing a smart device for our 12-, 10-, 6- or 4-year-old! Everyone has one! We need "to keep up with technology"! And let's face it, it's not like we could ask our parents how they handled this situation. And honestly, it makes my life easier, keeping my child entertained. I get more work done in peace and quiet. No one says, "I'm bored," and sometimes they don't even get hungry because they're so focused on their device! Okay, maybe that last comment is a red flag for technology use.
We've all been doing our best to parent in a challenging world. Technology has advanced at such a rapid pace, legislation and safeguards have not kept up. We brought devices into our homes, and maybe we wonder, what have we done? I don't blame parents, me included, but it's time to get honest. As Maya Angelou said, "When we know better, do better."
So, what do we know?
We know these apps are free, meaning the value isn't in their purchase like a car; the value is our attention. The more time we spend on a platform, the more we can be sold. It's with this in mind that the creators tapped into our brains. Every scroll, notification, like, or friend request feels like a reward. It triggers the release of dopamine, which feels good and leaves us wanting more. This itself isn't bad, but spending hours a day reinforcing dopamine hits can lead to addiction and little joy from other activities. Our children's brains are developmentally more reward sensitive, with their decision and consequence function only maturing in their mid-twenties.
True connection with others occurs with eye contact and touch (like a hug). This produces endorphins and oxytocin, which improves mood, reduces stress, and helps us feel loved and that we belong. We cannot get this via digital connection, and the lack of eye contact and connection makes it easier to say hurtful things (bully), hide our true selves, and feel isolated.
A device doesn't come locked down or with a warning label when purchased. It can reach everything on the internet as soon as it's connected. Would you let your 10-year-old watch an R-rated movie or, worse, pornography? We've accepted that it's the parent's job to figure it out.
Comparison is human nature, but now we're comparing our real life to edited social media posts and contrasting our human bodies to edited images of "perfection." Even when we know it's edited, like our own touched-up image, our brain compares the two and believes we're not good enough.
This is just the tip of the iceberg, but if we adults are aware of how we feel after too much screen time, it's common sense to know our children will struggle with it.
cambelyn.com
I’m concerned we’re going to have a generation who feels alone but doesn’t know why. “My parent(s) were physically present, physical needs were met. Why do I feel empty?” Because spiritually, emotionally, and mentally they weren't present because they were focused on a device.
The Surgeon General’s advisory regarding social media reported 40% more high school students reported feelings of sadness and hopelessness between 2009 and 2019.
Gayle Cheatham is a mother of two, certified coach, and published children's book author. She founded Cambelyn Coaching to help families live healthier lives while finding increased connection. She encourages open communication, family technology plans, device protection, boundary setting, and more through coaching sessions and speaking events. Recently she co-founded Look Up Nonprofit, hoping to empower more families with mindful tech use and increased connection.