One of the difficulties of being an elder law attorney is seeing a husband or wife deal with the emotional and physical demands of caregiving for a spouse with dementia. The changes that happen are not changes they planned for, and the loss for what will never be is profound.
At first, it may be gentle reminders about simple tasks, like daily bathing, or they ask the same question repeatedly. But as their needs increase, caregiving becomes all-consuming. Life becomes an endless cycle of daily chores.
For the well spouse, isolation and loneliness can set in. Gone are the long conversations, the planning of vacations. Sometimes, they can’t even leave the house to shop or attend medical appointments. As the illness progresses, difficult behaviors, such as wandering, can emerge, adding more emotional burnout as the caregiver becomes a 24-hour safety net.
It’s important to ask for help before burnout sets in, but in my experience, male caregivers are less likely to ask—and more likely to burn out or become ill themselves. Many only find their way to my office when things become unbearable. While I can’t ease the pain of losing the person they love, I can help in other ways.
I want to share the story of Scott, a recent client facing caregiver stress and loneliness.
Scott’s beautiful wife of 37 years had been diagnosed with dementia, and he had become her full-time caregiver. He knew he needed help but didn’t know what that meant.
“It’s not just her memory that’s disappearing,” he told me. “It’s our routines, our laughter, our shared language. I’m grieving losing the life we built together in slow motion.”
Dementia is often called “the long goodbye” because it can progress very slowly. As Scott put it, “No one prepares you for the moment your wife becomes a legal responsibility instead of a partner.”
This kind of isolation goes deeper than physical. “We used to make choices together,” he said. “Now I sign documents alone, always wondering if I’m doing the right thing.”
As we talked, I helped him make decisions that would keep both of them safe and cared for. “I was so focused on her that I stopped thinking about me,” he admitted—a common pattern among caregivers. Scott needed a path forward.
We explored care options and tackled the paperwork. “Love doesn’t end when memory fades,” he said. “But the paperwork sure gets a lot more complicated.”
One of the first things we did was establish legal power of attorney. “That one document changed everything,” Scott said. “It meant I could handle her care without jumping through hoops or fighting red tape.”
When I first met him, Scott described his life as drowning in the details: insurance, long-term care costs, legal terms he didn’t understand. He later told me I became the “life raft he didn’t know he needed.”
“It wasn’t just legal advice you gave,” he said. “It was emotional support. You understood what I was going through and reminded me: If I don’t stay emotionally and financially stable, I can’t take care of my wife.”
As an elder law attorney, I help husbands like Scott find solutions. “I thought hiring an elder law attorney was just about paperwork,” he said. “But what I really got was peace of mind—and someone in my corner when I felt completely alone.”
Scott’s wife is now in an excellent memory care facility. He visits her daily, sleeps better knowing she’s safe, and is finding his way forward as her husband, friend, and advocate. And that’s a role he’s now more prepared for—legally and emotionally.
Teresa Bowman Esq. is the founder of the estate planning and elder law firm of Teresa K Bowman P.A. serving clients across Manatee and Sarasota Counties. She is certified in Elder Law by the American Bar Assn.-approved National Elder Law Foundation (NELF). Reach her at tkbowmanpa.com.