About a month before my brother-in-law’s birthday, I usually start the countdown of reminders. Don’t forget it’s your brother’s birthday next month. What are you planning to get him? Have you gotten a present yet? A card? Don’t forget it’s your brother’s birthday next week. Tomorrow. Today! I always send off the last note as a text message to conclude the cycle of reminding.
I can name all of my in-laws' birthdays off the top of my head, mostly thanks to the remind-a-thon I ran for many years when I felt personally responsible for keeping up the strong bonds between my husband and his family. When it came to holidays, celebrations, and birthdays — it didn’t matter if we were visiting my family, his family, or both — I was in charge. I knew if I didn’t make the effort, my husband wouldn’t — and if he didn’t make the effort, it would somehow reflect poorly on me.
That’s because like many women, I had taken up the helm in kinkeeping for the family. Kinkeeping is a sociological term used to describe how we keep family members in touch and strengthen family bonds. It was first introduced in 1985 by Carolyn J. Rosenthal whose research discussed who becomes kinkeepers (women), what the work entails, and how it bolsters extended familial closeness and well-being. As the eldest daughter of my family, and the wife of a husband with only brothers, I assumed the de facto position of family coordinator for, well, everyone!
That means remembering birthdays and making them special; initiating the group text to get us together for family campouts, Sunday dinners, and holiday celebrations; sharing family news and sending pictures of the kids to grandparents. Eventually it will entail coordinating care for aging parents. It takes a lot of effort, reminders, and delegation to kinkeep — and while the work is certainly not thankless, it is often invisible.
Kinkeeping requires a huge amount of mental load work, which includes the noticing, planning, delegating, and overseeing side of things. Sure, everyone might be contributing something to the family potluck, but one person is in charge of knowing when and how to plan it, gathering everyone together, assigning what to bring, and making sure everyone is on task. Kinkeepers don’t just make the list, they are the list — with many invisible to-do tasks rolling around in the back of their mind at all times.
Kinkeeping also often involves emotional labor like managing family tensions, taking everyone’s personal preferences into account, keeping open relationship communication, and other types of care work. Kinkeeping can be emotionally taxing, especially when it involves things like coordinating care for elderly relatives or picking up the responsibility to host the holidays after a key family member has passed away. There’s a reason Rosenthal refers to kinkeeping as a “position” — it’s a time and effort-intensive job.
To be fair, I actually love being a kinkeeper. I am a planner at heart, and what many would describe as the group mom among my friends. I am happy to be the person to throw out potential dates for a get-together, make the reservations at Wild River Grille for dinner and drinks, buy the group tickets for that upcoming show at the Pioneer Center, or book the rental cabin in Tahoe for a family getaway. I wasn’t thrown into the role of kinkeeper against my will; I’m really good at this type of work and enjoy it too.
Plus, I know the true value of this work. It doesn’t just benefit those around me; it affects my health and happiness too. Research has proven that the quality and closeness of our relationships has significant impacts on both our happiness and our longevity. One extensive longitudinal study, The Harvard Study of Adult Development, has compiled over 80 years of research that shows “close relationships, more than money or fame, are what keep people happy throughout their lives.” Kinkeeping provides more than just the joy of being together, it also gives us a strong sense of familial belonging that improves our overall well-being.
Kinkeepers also ensure the physical and emotional health of the family. They rally the troops when it’s time to organize a meal train after Dad’s surgery, and make sure the sister with a new baby on the way has the postpartum support she needs. Kinkeepers have also been shown to protect family health by sharing family medical history and encouraging necessary preventative care. It can literally be life-saving work.
While being a kinkeeper is often fulfilling and obviously valuable, it’s even better when this work is shared. It can get annoying to constantly chase after RSVPs and frustrating to feel like no one else is taking initiative for what should be mutual family connections. Shared responsibility and quick action on delegated tasks means less potential for burnout for the person holding the family “position” of kinkeeper. If you’re made to feel like a nag or a burden in the midst of kinkeeping work, it’s a recipe for resentment.
Which is why my husband and I shifted and split up a lot of our kinkeeping in recent years. Am I still going to remember my in-laws’ birthdays? Of course! After all, they’re my family too. But it’s not unreasonable for me to expect my husband to remember his family members' birthdays without my nudging, and to buy their Christmas presents. It not only relieves my mental load, it makes his family relationships feel more personally fulfilling as well. It gets him tuned in to the joy of true connection when he notices the perfect gift for his brother while out shopping and saves it for the birthday he knows is coming up.
Even if I am still the self-designated kinkeeper, everyone can (and should!) be fully involved in showing up for the people they love. The more we share the care work of family life, the stronger and more supported our family networks will become. That is something truly worth celebrating.