As November rolls around and Mariah Carey defrosts for another holiday season of “All I Want for Christmas Is You,” it can be hard for people who are grieving the death of someone not to feel like the Grinch and want to hole up on Mount Crumpit until the year is over. As someone who has been grieving for 24 years and grew up with a themed Christmas tree in every room of their house, I understand the struggle—some years feeling like your heart is two sizes too small, and some years being full-on Leslie Knope dressed in an elf costume, bringing holiday cheer to everyone in sight.
On a “normal” day—whatever normal means for a person who is grieving—life can feel hard enough. It’s tough to predict our mood and what will trigger a grief burst of emotions. It could be a whiff of someone’s perfume or the way someone says a phrase our loved one used to say. We walk around in battle armor, just trying to get through the day. Then we hit the holiday season, and we are inundated with additional reminders of things we will never again experience with our loved ones. We walk through shopping centers with familiar holiday decorations that haven’t changed since the 1960s (I’m looking at you, NorthPark) and end up having a panic attack in the middle of kids singing carols, while people continue to pass by, shopping for gifts. Our “normal” grief feels worse with the additional stress of gatherings with people who may not understand what we’re navigating. We’re expected to buy gifts while worrying about the financial stress of the holidays and trying to figure out what traditions we can stand to continue without the people who used to make it special. The anticipation and worry of how we will feel on the holiday can sometimes be worse than the actual holiday itself. All this exhaustion leads to even more grief bursts, and we can feel out of control.
So, what do we do with all of this? First, I want you to pause reading and take a deep breath. In through your nose, out through your mouth. You’re going to take that deep breath with you to all the gatherings you choose to attend, because guess what? You can choose not to go to every party you are invited to. You’re allowed to say no to the ones that feel overwhelming. You’re also allowed to change your mind if you said yes but later decide you cannot do it. The world will not end. Blame it on the lady who wrote the article in that magazine you read—I don’t mind. You are also allowed to go to gatherings and have fun! This does not mean that you are no longer grieving or missing your loved one. You are allowed to have fun AND miss your loved one. This is something I remind my clients of all the time, throughout the year. It’s also okay to take breaks during gatherings and throughout the holiday season.
One thing I love helping people navigate is which traditions to keep, adapt, or let go of, and how to remember their loved one who died. I personally love continuing to bake cookies like my mom and I used to, but after many years of tears and yelling at the cookie Spritz maker, I no longer make those cookies—and that’s okay!
We can honor our loved ones who have died by:
- Hanging their stocking and filling it with our favorite memories of them
- Lighting a candle for them during gatherings
- Setting a place for them at the holiday table
- Making their favorite food dish or dessert
- Hanging a special ornament or decoration in their honor
- Sharing memories during a meal
- Buying a gift they would have liked and donating it to a charity
You’re allowed to be sad and miss your loved one and be angry that you want your holiday season to be the way it used to be. You’re also allowed to make new memories, create new traditions, and have fun. Remember, this is a holiday season—it’s more than just one day. Let’s enjoy the good days when they come and give ourselves breaks when the days are tough.
I wish you a healthy and fulfilling holiday season!
**Bryna Talamantez**
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist
Plano, TX
Specializing in grief, anxiety, ADHD, and life transitions for kids and teens
Sidebar: I am often asked by friends and family members of those who are grieving how they can help during the holiday season. The easiest answer is to simply be there for them. Listen to their feelings, memories, and stressors, and offer them a safe space when they need it. Continue to invite them to gatherings so they feel included, but without pressure to come, and don’t show disappointment if they choose not to attend. They will be happy to be invited. It’s okay for them to feel whatever feelings they have, so try not to use toxic positivity. It’s okay for them to be sad and angry because grief during the holiday season simply stinks.
"You’re allowed to be sad and miss your loved one"
"You’re also allowed to make new memories, create new traditions, and have fun"