So you and your partner get into an argument. Nothing too big in fact, the subject of the argument is what you might call "stupid" or "insignificant." You're not even sure why or how the whole thing started in the first place. The one thing you know is that it was completely annoying and a waste of time. You feel, if you're honest with yourself, a little pissed off by the whole thing. Why does this keep happening? Why can't we just figure out these small issues and not let them get to us? Or, better yet, why can't my partner just agree with my point. I am right.
If this sounds like your internal dialogue after one of your spats, you know how frustrating and maddening this cycle of arguing can be. And the truth is, it's also rather destructive to our relationships and our sense of feeling connected. As I sit with couples on a daily basis, they come armed with their stories and how they've been wronged by their partner, and if only their partner would listen. But unfortunately, they don't and neither do you.
One of the really important dynamics of communication and relating to our partner is knowing that facts and logic will not get us out of the emotional turmoil of not feeling understood by our partner. The thing is, it's not about who is right and who is wrong, but about the way we feel when our person doesn't seem to care. It's more about caring, understanding, and attunement than any facts of the case.
This is a hard sell for couples, because their dukes are up, and parts of us don't want to stop and listen, never mind care. Our nervous system is telling us that our person is a threat, and that is not alright.
So what is to be done? The answer lies in our ability to come back to center to ground ourselves in our adult selves. We must regulate first before we have any chance of hearing the other. We're also helped by seeing the pattern through our adult lens rather than through the regression that just wants to be right. As the Gottmans suggest, defending, countering, stonewalling, and criticizing rarely — if ever — lead us to connection and peace.
So the good news is that we have the power within us. Ground first in our true, adult selves. Put on the cap of the social scientist and see through the adult lens of curiosity, compassion, and connection. Don't attempt this from within your inner kiddo who just wants to be right. Self-parent those little boys and girls within, and don't let them be in charge of one of the most important relationships of your life.
Then the focus can shift to the fact that your partner needs you to hear them and when you do, they tend to soften and listen to you in return. These "little arguments" are symptoms of a lack of attunement, and they're an invitation to stop, notice where you are, and get curious about what's truly bothering your partner. It's rarely about agreeing how many times a friend called or whether you should've turned left or right at the stop light. It's much more about how you receive each other with kindness and connection, as adults.