Though expectations in mothering have changed considerably since the 1950’s “golden age of parenting” (yeah, that’s a real thing), there’s one thing that has remained constant even throughout my own baby-rearing years: mom comes second.
When I miscarried, my fertility doctor exclaimed, “Congratulations!” I no longer had to carry a potentially unviable embryo, but I didn’t feel like celebrating. When I cared for my newborn there was no acknowledging that sleep deprivation could lead to illness (moms aren’t weaklings!). And no sympathy for the woman who desperately needed a break from full-time parenting (no videos - read them another book!).
Fast forward to today and you’ll find Big Love Fierce Juju (BLFJ) on Instagram proclaiming, “of course YES you love this blessed sleep-sucker BUT maybe no one prepares you enough for the fact that with as much love as you have exploding from every cell in your heart, the incessant lack of sleep, the ridiculous infantile neediness, coupled with the raging hormones (and add a side of exasperation over not being able to read the signs of what every little snivel means?) and you’ve got yourself the ROLLERCOASTER OF MOOD LABILITY!”
Yasssss Big Love!
BLFJ is Dr. Shieva Ghofrany, OB/Gyn partner at Coastal OBGYN and co-founder of Tribe Called V. She talks freely about all the daunting/yucky/let’s-change-the-subject female stuff because you’re not the only one struggling with it and by the way, it’s all perfectly normal and the only reason why we aren’t discussing the uncomfortable things is because we haven’t made them comfortable yet. But we will.
She’s hip, with bleach-blond buzz-y hair and a pile of necklaces. She’s a girlfriend, sitting in her car or in her closet, resplendent in a bright patterned dress, telling you what’s up in everywoman terms.
Shieva’s unconventional approach to women’s health education can, in part, be traced to her parents. They met in medical school in Iran (there’s a photo of the two working in a cadaver without gloves on) and moved to the U.S. before the revolution. Her mother, a pediatric resident, arrived alone. Her young husband joined her after serving his time in the army.
Despite a strict Persian upbringing, they raised Shieva and her siblings in an uncommonly liberal manner: ask anything, question anything, achieve anything.
Ultimately, Shieva went to Georgetown, switched majors several times (which worried her parental unit), then wound up in medical school for gynecology even though she her young, inexperienced self-thought being a doctor might be “kind of gross.”
While practicing medicine, she experienced almost every kind of female body setback possible, including six miscarriages, ovarian cancer, endometriosis, two challenging pregnancies, and a continuing battle with weight.
Each health breach brought different concerns and unrelenting personal curiosity - what the hell was happening? Why aren’t we talking about this?
Piecing together answers to these questions - emotional, physical, and mental - played a significant role in her healing process. She decided to throw these answers out, unflinchingly, hoping it would help women and those who loved them.
She tackles tough issues, both as a patient and as a doctor:
“Peri-menopause is a completely natural part of the process of hormones changing preceding menopause. It’s not abnormal, but it can make you feel lousy."
“Miscarriages are common. It doesn’t mean we dismiss it, we highlight and normalize it and address what we can.”
“Periods shouldn’t be so painful that you’re curled up in a ball with a heating pad. If they are, you should address it with your doctor. If your doctor can’t help, then go to someone else.”
“Should women feel that they have to be mothers? Do we have to do it to be successful? I can imagine having a life without having had them.”
Then she launches into engrossing and, if I may add, entertaining explanations.
She doesn’t sugarcoat; she educates. If you live with an affliction, you live with an affliction. No explanation, no matter how detailed, will alleviate anything.
Of her bout with cancer, she admits “I don’t like ‘survivor’ because it implies I was on the precipice of death and was plucked back.” She continues, “Language is so deeply important. [The term ‘survivor’] can create more anxiety.”
And if a term or diagnosis does cause anxiety, she posits, “Fear should be reserved for when you’re being chased by an animal in the wild.”
Further, "NOTHING is every ONLY, EVERYTHING is always AND,” then adds, “live in the optimism. You’re going to be upset either way. You’re human and you can handle it.”
You don’t need to be a superhero to be a woman. You don’t need to be a warrior or a fighter to be sick. Don’t let anyone tell you who you should be or how you should react. Just be yourself. She’ll help you get through it.
@BigLoveFierceJuju