You know “that couple.” The one that seems they have it all figured out. They share loving glances, balance tasks and even hold hands as if they were still dating. The couple that you can tell will be growing old together. What you don’t see is the hard work they put into their relationship, the bumps in the road they navigated, and, yes, the crashes they might have had on their journey.
The first thing you should realize is that no relationship is “perfect.” The second? Stop comparing yourself to other couples.
Meredith Keller, director of Couples Therapy Center of New Jersey in Basking Ridge has been helping couples identify and resolve core issues in their relationships and develop the skills to keep their unions strong long-term. She shares some of her wisdom here.
When should a couple seek professional help?
It’s surprising but most couples wait an average of seven years before seeking help. They just hope that things will get better. You should reach out to a professional, like a couples counselor or a clergy leader, if you’re experiencing chronic distress in your relationship for six months or longer.
What is the most frequent reason couples see a counselor?
Couples report a “lack of intimacy." Many also say they have little communication or are having the same argument repeatedly. What that likely means is that each partner is stuck in their own perspectives and cannot communicate in a way that will advance the conversation.
How do you help?
There are two ways: We teach couples skills that will develop healthy communication and intimacy, and as licensed therapists, we help them explore their issues to discover the root cause. For example, an argument over how a dishwasher is loaded is not about the dishwasher. It could really be about a partner feeling uncared for, not listened to or disrespected.
We use three couples therapy theories: Imago Relationship Therapy, Gottman Method and Emotionally Focused Therapy. The skills help strengthen their communication, enhance their sexual connection and help partners convey their love and appreciation. We want couples to use these tools and skills between sessions so that these actions become their new normal.
We also run men’s and women’s relationship groups for individuals whose partners are not interested in counseling and a Gottman couples workshop called “Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.”
What should couples expect when they seek counseling?
Every couple is different, but there is something magic about 12 meetings. It’s enough time for them to discover new insights, to feel heard, to learn how to tolerate the emotions that arise, become more vulnerable and learn and apply the skills we teach. If they can do that work for 12 weeks, I generally find the marriage will be fine because both are showing a consistent willingness to work on the issues.
What is a common misperception in a relationship?
That our partner should be everything that we need them to be: friend, lover, good earner, excellent parent and support us in everything we need. It’s unrealistic.
When our partner does not fulfill these expectations in all these areas, we think there's something wrong with them. Instead of focusing on the traits that you dislike in your partner, consider what you should change in yourself. How is your relationship challenging you to grow within yourself? Maybe you need to learn to be more tolerant, become a better listener or accept the fact that your partner sometimes will have a different opinion and you may not always agree.
How can couples get the spark back?
The key is expressing love and appreciation. How often do you think something positive about your partner but never say it? Why don’t you send them a text telling them one thing that you appreciate about them—and then watch what happens.
How do parents navigate their relationship once they have children?
It’s a myth in our culture that good parents should put their children first. The alternative perspective: There is value in parents prioritizing their marriage because children observe how the parents act. If children grow up in a happy, loving household where parents model how to effectively talk through differences and show love and affection, children will use those skills when they are in their own marriage one day.
Find out more about strengthening your relationship at couplestherapycenterofnj.com.