Megastar Jennifer Lopez once said, “There is no pain or failure like going through a divorce.” It can affect everyone, even the very wealthy, famous, and beautiful. No one is immune. The true goal is to learn constructive ways of dealing with your feelings and to learn from the experience in some way big or small.
The first step, once a decision has been made, is to decide which process would be best for you. Before contacting an attorney, you must educate yourself so that you can ask the attorney about the pros and cons of each method to dissolve a marriage, while considering your own unique circumstances. If you have children, the best gift that you can give them is to get along with your ex-spouse, both during the divorce process and after it’s completed.
You owe it to yourself and your family to learn more about mediation and collaborative divorce.
Mediation is one of two techniques that can help you divorce and at the same time teach you communication skills so that you can get along and coparent your children constructively. Mediation promotes respect and cooperation. Both partners agree to work together to create an agreement that is “good enough.” The mediator is a third party who helps guide you through the process with education and support. You and your partner, however, will make all necessary decisions. You know yourself and your children better than anyone else, so you keep control of the decision making.
The process is non-judgmental and future focused. The goal is for you both to be able to coparent effectively. “Good enough” means that there will be no winner or loser. Both must be flexible and understand there will be some give-and-take. There is no costly discovery, unlike what occurs in the litigated realm, as with mediation each believes the other will voluntarily agree to reveal everything that is asked of him/her. Attorneys can be involved in the process; however, they are consulted on an as-needed basis as questions arise.
Mediation results in an uncontested divorce and is also faster and more cost-effective than other methods. The couple goes to court one time only—at the very end to receive the Marital Settlement Agreement. It is more likely that a couple that has crafted their own agreement will follow through on the commitments they have made.
Collaborative divorce is another voluntary process available to couples. This is a team approach to divorce. Each member of the couple has an attorney. There is one financial person, who is neutral and works with both, and also a mental health professional, a “coach”, who is there to help the couple learn constructive ways of dealing with their emotions. When impasse occurs, it is usually based on the underlying emotions rather than a surface issue, and the coach works to help the couple understand and resolve the impasse. The coach also attends settlement meetings. Collaborative divorce requires that both members of the couple communicate directly with each other and make the necessary decisions that will work best for them. While making decisions together, you will be learning some new tools that will help you communicate more constructively, not only in the present but also into the future.
As in mediation, collaboration is also a non-judgmental process and is future focused. The team works together in a very transparent way to help guide you. Settlement meetings can occur in an attorney's conference room, or via Zoom. Couples need go to court only one time, as in mediation, at the end of the process.
Those who choose collaborative divorce understand the importance of being able to preserve some part of their relationship moving forward. Coping with a divorce is like coping with a death. It is the death of what you thought your future would be. Having constructive outlets for your feelings is critical. Being future focused at this time may not be easy, as what has happened to break down the marriage is still so fresh.
Many people expend a great deal of energy dwelling on what happened even years after their divorce. The past cannot be changed, and so it is important to figure out ways to move forward for a healthier and more enjoyable future. Mediation and collaboration are both techniques that can help with this.
We encourage divorcing couples to look at their relationship differently, more like a business relationship. You must be cordial and respectful, and decisions can no longer be based just on what is best for you or your feelings. In your heart, you know what is best for your children, and decisions can become easier to make knowing this. Your ex-spouse does not have to be your friend, but you must work together for your children.
The issues that caused the breakdown of your marriage should be between the two of you. Your children, no matter their ages, have one mother and one father. They love you both and do not want to be put in the position of having to choose between their parents. Mediation and collaboration can teach you better ways of navigating the world of divorce and how to be better coparents moving forward.
Ellene Lammers is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with many years of experience working with individuals of all ages. She is based in Vernon Hills, and specializes in discernment counseling, collaborative divorce coaching and divorce mediation. Call her at 847.421.6827.