Differences are inevitable.
In my work as a couples therapist, I talk with people who are sometimes unhappy in their relationship. Partners say their differences are the problem. "We don't share any interests." "She criticizes my parenting." "He doesn't care if the house is a wreck." It's easy for couples to get stuck here. When differences between two people are seen as problems, the tendency is to dig in and try to change your partner. When that doesn't happen, things start to feel hopeless.
With a different mindset, couples can learn to appreciate - even celebrate - their differences. This is often the work of couples therapy.
Arguments don't have to be damaging.
Has anyone ever modeled this for you? The first time I witnessed two married people disagree while remaining in a productive dialogue was on the Showtime TV series Billions. Two fictional characters, Wendy and Chuck, were arguing. Both felt frustrated. Despite big feelings, each person clearly expressed their individual wants, needs, and boundaries. Each partner genuinely listened. Neither one tried to control or change the other. Both people walked away from the argument feeling safe and secure in the relationship.
Many of the couples I work with never learned how to have a productive argument. Arguing is productive when it leads to learning something new. Couples can approach arguments as opportunities to learn more about themselves, their partner, and their relationship.
Loving your partner when it isn't easy.
Your relationship will test your character. When you are sleep-deprived, dealing with work deadlines, your kid is sick, the dog is barking, and you just found out the car needs a new set of tires... How are you going to show up for your partner? What do you do with your stress? Do you protect your relationship from the overwhelmed you?
When partners are stressed and overwhelmed, navigating differences can feel like an impossible task. Here are some things you can do in difficult moments:
- Do nothing. In some cases, the decision to do nothing can significantly interrupt a disruptive pattern between partners. Tell your partner you need a break. Contemplate the situation. Get clear on what you want and need. Think about how you want to show up as a partner and the relationship you want to create. Find another time to talk with your partner when you are both calm and clear-headed.
- Be curious. Forget about yourself for a moment. When it's a good time for both of you, ask questions with the intention of understanding. Leave your impulses to fix, change, or control your partner at the door. Try to see the situation from their perspective. What is it like for them? How did they come to that conclusion? What makes them feel that way?
- Don't jump to conclusions. Look at the situation objectively. What did your partner say or do, factually speaking? Just the facts. Consider your interpretation of the facts. What do the facts mean to you? How do the facts make you feel? What assumptions are you making about how your partner is feeling or what they are thinking? Is there any chance your assumptions are wrong? Partners are at their most vulnerable with each other. This vulnerability makes couples prone to catastrophizing thoughts.
Differences between partners are full of juicy potential. I've witnessed couples grow as individuals, and in their relationship, by learning how to cope with differences. To be seen and accepted by your partner, especially in the ways you are different, can be healing and transformative. The willingness to work with differences creates more trust, closeness, and intimacy between people. We can start by examining the belief that differences are problematic. What if differences are the key to a relationship worth having?
Diana Calvo is a couples therapist in Broomfield, CO. She provides couples with coaching and therapy for communication, conflict, and intimacy. For more information visit www.dianacalvocoaching.com