Marian Wright Edelman, the founder of the Children’s Defense Fund, once said that “Being considerate of others will take your children further in life than any college degree.” Sometimes, if we’re lucky, we encounter people on our parenting journey to remind us that kindness is key, and that the most important values are the love and devotion we show to each other and our children every day. Alex and Jason Parsley are such people, bringing a sense of groundedness, kindness, and faith to their family and the communities they inhabit. Currently residents of Scottsboro, their parenting adventure began in Madison two decades ago. Their first daughter Lilly, now 21, was followed by Layla (19), and finally Jed (15). Then, in 2017, a series of events unfolded that would both upend and enrich their life immeasurably.
At the time, Alex was working for a large church in Madison. When the church suggested she join a mission trip to an orphanage in China, Alex and her husband Jason agreed that it would be an amazing opportunity for their eldest daughter Lilly as well. They both hold strongly to the belief that we’re here “to serve each other and love each other, and so I knew there would be great benefit from taking her and that the Lord would work in her while we were there.”
Through her work at the church, Alex had heard many stories from families who’d adopted internationally. Serving on the mission trip was one way she could give back after feeling “overwhelmed by the sheer numbers” of international orphans in need. The Parsleys’ church worked closely with an amazing organization called Shepherd's Field Children's Village (SFCV) in the Tianjin/Langfang area of China. It is a specialized foster home and care facility for orphaned children with special needs, operated by the
Philip Hayden Foundation.
During their mission trip, the group woke up every morning to serve both the children and the caregivers of Shepherd’s Field. Alex describes it as a sort of compound, with five different houses on the property. Each house contained a “family” of orphans and caregivers. Children were sent to Shepherd’s Field from all over China, when it became apparent that their medical or behavioral needs were out of the ordinary scope of Chinese foster care. The organization worked closely with the Chinese government to make sure that children received the medical services needed and were given as much love and attention as possible.
The church group engaged with the orphans living on the compound, showering them with love and play, and giving their caregivers a much-needed break. Alex said that she and her daughter, Lilly, would go their separate ways in the morning but then meet up periodically throughout the day. One day at lunch, Lilly began asking questions. “What is Down Syndrome? What does it mean to have Down Syndrome?” Lilly’s curiosity about the future of the children there began to grow. And unbeknownst to Alex, they were both falling in love.
Ethan, or “E” as the Parsleys lovingly call him, had been at the orphanage about 4 months when they arrived. He was 18 months old, and they would later learn that he had been abandoned at 11 months of age, slightly later than some of the other children, a fact that perhaps indicated that he was born in a more rural area of China where inhabitants were less familiar with Down Syndrome. He had been loved and cared for, but eventually, early problems with his heart created medical issues that his parents were not able to deal with, requiring medical interventions they could not afford. Both Alex and Lilly felt particularly drawn to him.
As Lilly sought to learn more about Down Syndrome, Alex explained that one concern of parents with children who have Down Syndrome is what the future holds, particularly if they outlive their parents and need care later in life. Alex said Lilly looked her square in the eyes and said: “Mommy, if we can take Ethan home with us, I will spend the rest of my life caring for him.”
The boldness and kindness in Lilly’s declaration opened something for Alex, and eventually, the rest of the family as well. Alex and Jason had always been clear in their call to serve, and their desire to be a difference in the world. Before the trip to China, they thought they were “done having kids.” On returning home, Lilly shared what she felt in China with her father, and how deeply she felt called to support her family in the process of adoption. Alex describes Jason’s reaction: “How can I not have that kind of faith if she does?” His heart was open, but his head recognized the obstacles. Their home in Madison was not equipped for an extra child, and it was situated on a busy street. They knew that having a special needs child would require special preparation, and an international adoption process, besides the cost of an additional child, had not been in their financial plan.
With open hearts, they began to pray. Alex recalls excitedly: “It was almost like once we said yes, the Lord just aligned everything. All we had to do was say yes.” They continued to pray and began to raise funds in earnest for the adoption process. A house became available nearby that would fit their needs perfectly at a great price point. Strangers came out of the woodwork, offering checks and affirmations. Together, as a family, they did the slow work of preparing their hearts to receive the next family member that God would choose for them. This required some consensus building with the other children, as well as convincing skeptics in their extended family that they understood the assignment and were up for the challenge. It is abundantly clear how much they leaned on and developed their faith in the process.
In November, about four months after returning from China, they began adoption paperwork. “Lily and I spent every single day praying on the way to school. That was our thing. We prayed about Ethan, we prayed about the other kids too. We prayed about the adoption. We both had a list of kiddos that we fell in love with, all of which had Down syndrome. Both of us really had a strong connection with Ethan and one or two others, but we didn't know what that meant. I didn't want to assume…Maybe God is just telling us about Down Syndrome. Or maybe God is telling us it's a little boy versus an older boy. Whatever it is, we just really prayed into that, because what else are you going to do? We just kept trying to do the next thing.”
The Parsleys did fundraisers and matching grants. They began reviewing files from orphanages in China. They thought long and hard about what they felt they could take on. There are roughly 1. 4 billion people in China, and reports estimate upwards of 400,000 children in foster care. While the Parsleys pored over files, somewhere in the back of their minds, they never forgot Ethan. It was almost impossible to request a specific child’s file to review, as the files travel around the country and from agency-to-agency. The Parsleys could still check on Ethan through Shepherd’s Field, but whether his file would ever end up in their hands was a different story.
They looked through files for almost six months, trying to keep their hearts open and obedient to God’s will. Alex indicates that wading through that process of discernment could be excruciating at times, feeling very called to the process but also unsure of why certain files would or would not spark connection. “We really had to learn to trust each other and trust our gut,” Alex says. After six months of reviewing files, but not feeling like they’d found their child, they accepted the call to fully surrender. “Our nature is to chase it. To try to be in control. And we just came to a point where we were like, this is not our kid. We're not in control. We need to just drop back and let God work. Because his timing is good.”
The next morning, Ethan’s file landed in Alex’s inbox.
She called her husband. Alex suggested they go over the file that night with his sister- in-law, a pediatric geneticist. Jason’s response? I don’t need to. The Parsleys said yes to Ethan immediately, and as Alex describes, “it’s all just red tape after that.” It had been 11 months after Alex and Lilly’s initial trip to China.
The family managed to raise $45,000 to cover the expense of the adoption, including travel for their whole family to return to China together to pick up Ethan. Reflecting on their journey, and what she wishes she could share with other families, Alex notes: “I think everybody assumes it's so hard and they prepare you for so much of the hard that it's a little scary. But I think the biggest surprise is he's not any harder than my other kids. In some ways, there are probably elements that are easier. I think that's the biggest thing it taught me as a mom. Each of my kids is different and I parent them as individuals. You have this expectation it’s going to be so much harder but it’s not the case. He's just hard in different ways.”
The value that the Parsleys instill in their children to center kindness is evident in the deep well of joy they find in Ethan every day, inspiring a love and lightheartedness that informs their entire household. Alex acknowledges that Ethan’s taught the whole family so much about “forgiveness and love and being slower in life” as well as “not judging people,” a heartfelt reminder that sometimes it’s not what we teach our children, but what they teach us that matters most.
"We're not in control. We need to just drop back and let God work. Because his timing is good.”