When my daughter became a teenager, she sometimes did something that baffled me.
It happened when she was tired or had just woken up. She’d stand in front of me, drop her head, and not say a word. When I asked a question, she’d mumble or shrug. I could tell she wanted something, but I didn’t know what.
And then one day it hit me. I noticed her body leaning toward me, ever so slightly, and waiting for me to respond. I realized then that what she wanted was something I hadn’t given her in a while.
A big maternal hug.
After this epiphany, I formed a game plan. I knew what I needed to do when she planted her body in front of me. You want a hug, kid? Well, I’ll show you a hug that you’ve never seen!
I’d wrap my arms around my daughter and hold her as tightly as I could. I'd embrace her as long as she let me.
I knew my instincts were right when my daughter relaxed in my arms. In these moments, I was her safe place. I was a source of comfort when she felt tired and weary.
Sometimes she didn’t hug me back. Sometimes it felt kind of odd to make such an effort with no response. But I didn’t take this personally because I knew the hidden truth. She still craved my love and affection, but she didn’t want to ask or tell me what she really needed.
It's easy to forget this as our children grow up. When they're small, we distribute hugs and kisses freely because they’re so cuddly and cute. They run to us with outstretched arms, making it hard to resist them as we sweep them up and kiss them all over the place.
But as they mature, they want space and privacy. They stop running to the door when we come home and giving us the rock-star treatment. And as hormones kick in, their cues get harder to read. We aren’t always sure when to draw closer…or when to back off and give them space.
This is why I try to love my teens well regardless of whether they love me back. I try to show affection even when it’s not reciprocated. After all, that's the essence of unconditional love. That is how we love our children with no strings attached.
Showing love to a teenager without cramping their style isn't always easy, but here are 10 simple ways to show them that you care.
1. Listen. The older our kids get, the more important it is to listen. We have no idea what it’s like to be a teenager today – or to be our child – and the only way to understand is by listening and asking good questions.
Teenagers want to know that their thoughts and opinions matter. Sometimes we have to take off our parenting hat and let them talk freely, honestly, and without fear of getting in trouble.
Teenagers have a lot to figure out. They need sounding boards and mentors. When we listen well, they're more likely to come to us with bigger issues, questions, and problems down the road.
2. Treat them with dignity and respect. Donald Miller said, “People won’t listen to you unless they sense you like them.” This is especially true with teenagers, who know when we speak from a place of love.
Parents love to commiserate about the misery of raising teenagers, and while some complaints hold truth, they don't build trust or good will. If you overheard your parents griping about you, would you open up? Would you want to be close or would you put up a wall and save your best behavior for someone who appreciates it?
The Golden Rule applies to adolescents, too. Since overt criticism doesn’t make anyone feel loved, it’s safe to assume that a teenager feels the same.
3. Love their friends. As our teenagers pull away from us, they gravitate more toward friends. The influence of their closest friends magnifies. Anyone important to my child is someone I want to know, and it’s worth investing time and energy into building a relationship with them. It’s also really fun!
4. Spend time together. One perk of having older kids is enjoying their company like we would an old friend. When it comes to engaging our teens, the options are endless, and a good place to start is doing what they love – activities like hiking, watching movies, skiing, cooking, exercising, doing yoga, going to concerts, eating at cool restaurants, traveling, playing sports, etc.
Whatever “thing” we bond over with our teenager can go a long way in building memories and also trust.
5. Surround them with empowering adults. It's been said that it takes five adults consistently present in a child’s life to help raise a healthy child. While parents undeniably have the greatest influence, there comes a day when our kids realize we have to love them. We’re biased because they’re ours.
6. Be ready to drop everything when they want to talk. Teenagers often want to talk at inopportune times, and if we don't take these opportunities when they come, they may not come again.
The best moments are always impromptu, so be ready when they come. If you’re driving your child home from a game one night and find that he’s very chatty, or in a good mood as the blares the radio, prolong the drive. Take the long way home or ask if he wants to get ice cream. Don’t waste this opportunity to really connect.
7. Show tough love when necessary. Teenagers won’t understand every choice we make as parents. Only time and maturity will change their perspective. The teenage brain is only 80% developed, and until they can fire on all cylinders, it’s up to us to fill in the gap. It’s up to us to teach them how to really think.
Youth pastor Cameron Cole says, “We aren’t parenting for our 16-year-old to like us. We’re parenting for our 40-year-old to respect us.” To me this means keeping the big picture in mind, setting healthy boundaries that protect them, and letting our kids face the consequences of poor choices and mistakes.
8. Pray for them – and empower them through faith. Prayer is the most powerful tool that we have as parents. God loves our children more than we do, and He has a unique plan for each child.
The non-stop changes of adolescence make this a perfect time to empower our daughters and sons through faith, to present God as their ultimate hope in the storm, the one thing that never changes even as their life does.
9. Encourage healthy risks. The world expects our kids to be perfect. There’s no margin of error allowed, and it comes as no surprise that our kids are scared to death to fail.
But adolescence is a time for healthy risk-taking. It’s a time to practice being brave, facing fears, and gaining confidence outside your comfort zone. As parents, we can help our teens overcome a fear of failure by explaining failure as part of their story, not the end of their story. We can remind them how the road to success is always paved with setbacks and adversity. When better days come, we can cheer on a deeper level because we know the story behind their success. We witnessed the resilience they showed as they bounced, recovered, and committed to trying again.
10. See the good in them. It’s easy to let our kids’ shortcomings blind us to their good. It’s tempting to fixate and obsess over a messy room, a messy appearance, or a bad attitude and let that become our focal point, the only thing we see.
While we certainly have a responsibility to shape our child’s character, instill good values, and teach basic life skills like hygiene, we also need to see their good and connect with their heart. We need to connect before we correct.
In short, there is no perfect science to loving a teenager because every teenager is unique and has a unique love language.
Appearances can be deceiving, and just because a teenager looks grown-up doesn’t mean that they don’t have emotional needs. Just because they don't ask us to give them a hug….show up for their game…or offer a timely compliment…doesn’t mean they don’t want us to do these things.
I remind my girls that they're unconditionally loved, and I’ll savor the moments when they relax in my arms and let me just enjoy being their mom.