Many people are having a hard time during this period. The response to the coronavirus pandemic means coping with big adjustments. Losing a job is traumatic even in normal times but this is much more than that. It means financial crisis for many as well as the fear of catching a deadly disease. Finally, the resulting lockdowns have forced many of us to stay at home with a partner or family. It’s a recipe for stress and anxiety in almost everyone. Even those able to keep their jobs and work from home are suffering with cabin fever.
Stress or anxiety can derail even good relationships. For a couple with difficulties, being together 24/7 is not ideal, to say the least! For a family, there can be just too much time with the kids being home. Irritability and frustration are easily set off when stressed.
There are many resources for dealing with managing the symptoms of stress and anxiety - deep breaths, muscle relaxation, etc. But what if we could keep stress at bay in the first place and avoid the problem? As a relationship coach, I don’t use psychotherapy, which assumes there is a mental health problem at work. I work with people in tough situations who need guidance. This is one of those tough times.
There are ways to keep your sanity. First, some general advice - that old saying “think positive” is actually quite true. To do this, remember the positive things in your life – things you wouldn’t want to give up. Count how many positive, negative, or neutral things you say in a day. Some other tips to keep your spirits up:
- Look for ways you can improve your long-term situation - working on some useful certification, increasing your skill at something. Give yourself a goal to achieve. Write that book you’ve always thought about, learn a language. Anything new to focus on, or something you used to do that you can pick back up.
- Do “enjoyable” things. There are lots of recommendations: puzzles, board games, adult coloring books, etc. - don’t spend your time ruminating on problems.
- Take advantage of the time to read books, sell those things just lying around, organize a closet or room.
- Plant a garden or vegetable patch. Even if you’re in an apartment you can do container or herb gardening. Watching things grow is uplifting.
But more important if you are experiencing conflict from being holed up with a partner, you can learn how to get along without hard feelings or arguments. It is about communication – the ability to really listen and to be really heard. When you get upset by, or disagree with, someone it is natural to want to blame your upset on the other. But this is not going to work out well. When the other person is blamed, or even feels blame, it puts the conversation on a wrong track. When someone feels blamed or attacked, they shift their focus to how to respond protectively. This could be explaining why they are “wrong“ or defending what was said or happened. Alternatively, there is counter-offense, with “what about”s or “but it’s your fault.” For some, the reaction is to simply withdraw from the conversation - leave, dismiss the concern, or just “check out.” Sometimes we don’t even care what started the argument, only who wins!
But there is another way - avoid this reaction and instead resolve the issue. First, make sure what was said was interpreted correctly. Assumptions and misunderstandings often start arguments. Or you can restate a complaint as a request, so it is less accusatory. But ultimately, we have to take responsibility for our own feelings. Talk about what feelings were triggered in you besides anger. Anger is not a standalone emotion. It always comes with some negative feeling that made you hurt. Go beyond the anger - WHY does it hurt? There are many negative feelings we all have but don’t like to admit. Things like feeling worthless, incompetent, irrelevant, unlovable, stupid - the list goes on. We all are stuck with one or more of these negative “truths” that we can’t banish, so don’t even try. Work around it just like any other obstacle by acknowledging it and getting past it.
Learning to communicate peacefully is especially important now when we are in such close quarters with others who might set you off. But once you have this ability, it can improve all your relationships - friends, colleagues, family. It is not easy and takes practice, but if you are interested in learning more, I can help.