When people meet me for the first time and realize I'm going to law school as a mother of six, they ask how I do it. My honest response is "My husband is making it possible." People then ask whether he works from home or part-time, or if he has a "chill" job.
To be clear, Eric Clarke has a high-stress, high-impact and demanding job. He is the elected county attorney here in Washington County. His responsibilities are wide and varied and they come with high stakes attached.
There are days when I feel a tad guilty knowing he's at home making dinner for the family while I'm driving home from school—even though he has a meeting with the governor the next day. Or days when I have a major assignment due, even while he needs to be preparing for a nationally televised hearing.
There's a Catch-22: I put him there! I put him in this place where his time is valuable to everyone else! I sacrificed my education and my career while we were younger so we could have our children and he could have a successful career that would support our family. I'm not saying that is always the right choice for every family, but with the resources and desires we had, it felt like the most logical choice. But now that it is finally my turn, my sacrifices and my support for him during all those years sometimes seem like they are working against me, because they helped him become successful, making his time important and valuable to people all around us.
If I were to calculate which of us could most easily sacrifice our individual career responsibilities, it would be me every time. We are merely at the "investment" stage of my career right now, but at the successful stage of my husband's career. So many people need his time and skills. Further, my habit has been to sacrifice my interests and my time for his for so many years that it would be easy for me to fall right back into that pattern.
How do we manage this? We're still figuring it out, but here are a few of the essentials we have learned together:
Number 1: Commit equally—My husband is as committed to supporting me in building a successful career now as I was to him before. If not for his encouragement, I never would have taken the first steps, and I certainly would have been tempted to quit the first time it seemed like my schooling was putting strain on him and the family.
Number 2: Value yourself—I have to remember I have God-given talents and abilities, and He didn't give them to me just to see them dwindle away and die. I'm good at what I'm doing, and I'm worth investing in.
Number 3: Invest—Remember that investments might not pay off now, but they do in the future.
Number 4: Communicate—With the complicated mix of demands, stresses and emotions this type of balancing entails, we need to have conversations where we explain how we are feeling and acknowledge and empathize with the way the other is feeling without becoming offended. It's amazing how feelings of frustration and catastrophes can dissipate when they're lovingly shared with one another. The answer still probably won't be easy, but when we can find a way to agree on the same answer, we can manage almost anything.
Kristine Clarke studies at William S. Boyd School of Law at the University of Nevada in Las Vegas
"It's amazing how feelings of frustration and catastrophes can dissipate when they're lovingly shared with one another."
