Experts are seeing an epidemic of children who are sad, anxious, and angry and whose parents feel increasingly overwhelmed, guilty, frustrated, and depleted. A parent might say, “I’m concerned that my child has ADHD or bipolar disorder, and needs therapy and an evaluation for medication.” This reflects a common view that the problem lies within the child.
However, we therapists view children’s problems as difficulties in negotiating developmental challenges and relational conflicts. Children thrive best in relationships where they feel understood and respected. When they feel controlled or abandoned, they are more likely to lash out at others or themselves, sometimes in violent and self-destructive ways.
A prominent trend in the mental health culture is to prescribe medication with the belief that one is thereby treating an underlying disorder. While medication can provide symptomatic relief, if prescribed without a holistic view of the child in their familial and community context, it can lead children to feel that there is something intrinsically wrong with them and can deter them from looking to their parents as resources in helping them navigate their struggles. It can also lead parents to disengage from their children and relinquish their parental influence and responsibilities, which can intensify the child’s sense of disconnection in their family and increase the likelihood of symptomatic behavior.
Here are some crucial guidelines for parents:
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Speak simply and directly to your child
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Set clear and age-appropriate expectations for behavior and enforce them consistently and unemotionally, rather than trying to manage or control your child’s behavior
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Listen quietly, closely and respectfully
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Accept your child’s feelings unconditionally
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Play with your child and follow their lead
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Encourage their creativity and imagination
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Create space for uninterrupted interaction
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Be open to being surprised and delighted by your child
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Risk being vulnerable with your child
John Brendler, MSW, is the founder of Building Bridges. He appreciates the collaboration of Building Bridges' colleagues, and in particular, Dr. Michael Silver’s contribution regarding clarity and content.