“Talk is cheap” as the saying goes, or is it? Most of us have heard this old phrase used
in reference to actions as opposed to words. Even Keith Richards, the drummer from
the Rolling Stones, decided to put it to music and make public his feud with Mick Jagger
back in the 80’s. But let’s step back for a moment and think about this thought in a
different frame of light. What value does a good conversation have? What is a good
conversation worth to you, especially around the dinner table? Does it make your food
taste better? Is laughter a natural part of your conversations? How do we even define
what a “good” conversation is?
Here is a hint. One night last week, I was heading home late from a meeting. Driving
down a dark, winding road, I came upon a local brewery and decided to stop for a bite
to eat. It was quiet, not too many tables occupied since my timing was after the supper
rush. I decided to sit at the small bar of about 10 stools since it was “just me”. Not long
after I was seated, a couple in their late 50s sat at the bar and I immediately felt an
intimate energy emanating from them. Their laughter and playful banter was infectious
to the waitress and myself. Their conversation and intensity for each other drew
everyone in around them as we enjoyed the world they had created for themselves
unfold before our eyes. I caught myself leaning to hear their words and their laughter
enveloped me in a warm hug. As I scanned the other tables in the restaurant looking
for similar energy and investment in the conversation at the tables, disappointingly, I
found none. At one point, the wife gave a laugh that was so sensual in nature, I
blushed. It was obvious they had been married for years and knew everything about
one another and loved every last bit of each other, flaws and all. This is the type of
conversation that brings joy and fulfillment to feed our souls and heightens all of our
senses to connect with one another and our surroundings, an unparalleled experience.
We as humans must connect through deliberate, purposeful, and intentional conversation
that is open-ended and spontaneous to where we are fully present and yes,
vulnerable. By being vulnerable one is able to feel the connection and intimacy necessary for a
healthy lifestyle. An open, intimate and vulnerable conversation with similar individuals
where we learn to make eye contact, respond to each other’s body language, to comfort
one another, and respectfully challenge one another’s knowledge is necessary for growth as
individuals, and as a family. This is the type of environment where empathy not only
grows but flourishes. And, as Ms. Sherry Turkle, an author and professor at M.I.T.,
wisely observes, in participating with this kind of conversation, we learn who we truly are.
Additionally, Ms. Turkle, in her New York Times article, “Stop Googling. Let’s Talk.”,
summarizes a 2010 study conducted over a 30 year period, by the psychologist Sara
Konrath, finding a 40 percent decline in empathy among college students, with most of
the decline taking place after the year 2000. The decline in empathy and rise of apathy is even reflected in our daily relationship with food. Without empathy, we are unable to
emotionally connect, removing our ability to experience joy, happiness, intimacy and
passion. In our busy lives, we tend to not plan our meals and dinner parties as years
past. Our lack of dining and its preparation prevents the feeling of anticipation and
connection through food, family and friends at our next meal. Dining well is a
passionate, sensory experience of empathic intimacy with food and conversation
that is a necessary journey for a fulfilling lifestyle that can easily get lost in a world of
technology.
Ms. Turkle further elaborates that we have to prepare ourselves for conversation, no
different than our mealtimes. “The capacity for empathic conversation goes hand in
hand with the capacity for solitude. In solitude, we find ourselves; we prepare ourselves
to come to conversation with something to say that is authentic, ours…. If we are not
content to be alone, we turn others into the people we need them to be. If we don’t
know how to be alone, we’ll only know how to be lonely…. When we are secure in
ourselves, we are able to really hear what other people have to say. At the same time,
conversation with other people, both in intimate settings and in larger social groups,
leads us to become better at inner dialogue.” Ms. Turkle describes this intentional
evolution as a virtuous circle that links conversation to the capacity for self-reflection.
Our relationship with food is similar in its virtues through its preparation and
nourishment for our body, heart and soul.
Study after study shows this vital part of our existence is the main reason our
relationships are falling apart. So, how do we change? First, we must acknowledge
there is an issue. Second, we begin connecting at a deeper level. And we begin those
connections with simple dining around the dinner table at home with our family and
friends where we have a soft, nonjudgemental place to practice. Lest we forget a place where we are
brought together with food and conversation to nourish our bodies and minds daily. And
when you are alone, practice by yourself through imagination and concentration,
learning how to listen to you. True, intimate relationships with ourselves and others are
only brought about by intimate conversations and are always worth the risk. Never
forget, the art of conversation is worth its weight in gold and so are you.
*Tell us about the best conversation you've ever had or what a good conversation is to you in a 15 second video and tag us @pensacolacitylifestyle.
Being vulnerable one is able to feel the connection and intimacy necessary for a healthy lifestyle.