Raising kids has never come with an instruction manual, but for today's parents, the challenge comes with an added twist: navigating a world of smartphones, social media, and screens that didn't exist when they themselves were growing up. For local families like the Arnolds of Irondequoit and the Kowalskis of Hamlin, that means constantly weighing safety and convenience against worries about what their kids are really doing on their devices.
Between sports, activities, work, and play, and three kids, Alexis Arnold’s family is busy. Deciding to get cellphones for their children came down to safety and convenience. “I think the big thing was just making sure that when they went places, they had a way to call us if there was an emergency or they were staying after school for an event or they needed a ride,” Arnold said.
The same reasons drove Kristin Kowalski and her husband, who are raising three kids, to get phones for their eldest two. She admits how her children use their devices has changed from the original intent. “I’d rather they were outside or reading books or doing crafts but they seem to want to spend a lot of time just on their phones. We have to tell them, ‘Go outside, go do this,’” she said.
It’s a lament familiar to parents. Raising kids in the face of ever-evolving technology can be frustrating, challenging—even frightening. It doesn’t help that most parents grew up without social media and smartphones, said Dr. Meredith Gansner, assistant professor of psychiatry at Golisano Pediatric Behavioral Health & Wellness at the University of Rochester Medical Center.
“This is a weird setting where we’re giving children and adolescents a very powerful tool and expecting them to use it responsibly when we ourselves were never taught how to use it responsibly and many adults don’t use it responsibly,” she said.
To help ensure her kids are being responsible, Kowalski does spot checks on their devices.
“I’m really lucky, but I do hear [about kids] repeatedly making accounts and hiding it from their parents,” she said. She even knew of a child who had a second cellphone—much to her parents’ surprise.
So what’s a parent to do? Dr. Gansner has a few recommendations, ideally long before a child gets access to technology.
Take a hard look at your habits. Do you aimlessly scroll for hours? Use your phone when you should be sleeping? Compare yourself with others online about your looks, your home, your relationship? You might be sending your kids a message that you don’t want to.
Consider your child’s relationship with screens. If they’re little, and you turn off an engaging show, how do they respond? Are they grumpy, angry, or disinterested? If your child is older, do they lose track of time watching TV and forget to start their homework? Your child’s viewing habits can foreshadow how well, or how problematic, more technology could be.
Make a family media plan. As soon as the first child gets a device, everyone should be on the same page with clear, consistent rules. That way, you head off potential problems like arguments about using tech during dinner time or, worse, your child lying to you about having their phone off when they’re really up late texting. In the Arnold household, unless mom is working, phones aren’t allowed at mealtime.
Discuss basic safety at an age-appropriate level. For ages 6 and up, talk with your child about what they should do if they see something scary or inappropriate or if someone they don’t know tries to talk to them. Kids between the ages of 8–12 should know your expectations about sending, receiving, and posting images, particularly photos.
As your child gets older, talk with them about being able to discern credible information from misinformation, spotting artificial intelligence, and the fact that social media algorithms are designed to keep you online longer and longer. “I don’t think kids should go to college without really being aware of their relationship with technology,” Dr. Gansner said.
Start out small. You wouldn’t let your child who’s just learning how to drive loose on the thruway, right? The same applies to technology. Give more access as they demonstrate good judgment.
Connect offline. It’s imperative to make sure your child’s primary source of socialization is not through technology, Dr. Gansner advises. In the Arnold house, screen time is restricted each day. If someone wants extra time, they must request permission, and if they get approval, it comes with a time limit.
As for what age is the right age for a smartphone, Dr. Gansner said it’s really dependent on the child. “As long as you’re having an open conversation with your kid about what you expect them to do on it, that’s the best thing.”
You can also find some good resources online. Dr. Gansner recommends the American Academy of Pediatrics, whose offerings include a digital media plan, and Common Sense Media, which has app- and game-specific information as well as digital literacy curricula.