“Love.” “Romance.” “Relationships.” These words are virtually synonymous with February. While they may seem like simple concepts, we can all struggle with them. So we asked two experts at Genesis Counseling Center of Texas—Heather Shealy-Mawhirter, LPC, and Paul R. Stephenson, LPC—to share some of their best advice on making relationships of every kind stronger.
(Responses have been edited for length and clarity)
Everyone is thinking about romantic relationships during Valentine’s season. What are common stumbling blocks couples trip over, and how can they be avoided or at least prepared for?
Stephenson: Unmet expectations shut us down better than anything else. Assuming that your partner knows what you want or expect (we often refer to this as “mind-reading”) is excellent for facilitating drama, but if you’re looking for a genuine connection, then set some time aside to align expectations together.
Shealy-Mawhirter: Couples stumble over all the things they build. If we build unrealistic expectations, pride, and resentment, we will likely stumble over them. If we build gratitude, compassion, connection, and respect, we will stumble over those, too, but we will find it a much more enjoyable fall!
This time of year can amplify feelings of loneliness for people without a partner. What advice do you have for people who may be struggling?
S: There is a trap—a negative thought pattern—that we can get lured into this time of year. Whether it’s marketing or just the historical expectation associated with our own story, we often consider the sensual aspect of a relationship with Valentine’s. However, the aim of any healthy relationship is not sensuality but connection. Fulfilling connections of all kinds that foster joy is a healthy aim on any given day, regardless of relationship status. Be even more intentional on days like this to engage in joy-filled connections of all kinds. Acknowledge the feelings of loneliness, but then move your attention to what facilitates connection for you.
Romantic relationships are just one type we experience. We all know friendships are crucial, but we can sometimes neglect them in our hectic lives. What are some essential ways to strengthen friendships?
S-M: The most effective and counter-cultural thing you can do is slow down. This can be very hard for different reasons, but slow down and let your friends know you’re thinking about them. We often get into a pattern of only seeing people who are on the path that we are already on, such as church, school, work, etc. Call a friend who is not on that path or a friend you only pass by, and make time to drink your coffee slowly.
There are also the relationships that are almost always with us: our families. How can we build up those relationships, whether in our roles as parents, siblings, or children?
S: Ritual! A client has a bedtime routine with their kids they call “Hi, Lo, Buffalo.” Each person names one highlight from the day, one low point, and one random moment. They established the ritual with their kids when they were young, and it has persisted as a natural touchpoint for their family. Don’t flood your relating with rituals, but find simple practices that are meaningful for your family.
S-M: Can you recall when you felt truly special and heard because someone was intentional and interested in your life and what you were saying? Take time to be this for someone older who wants to tell the same story for the tenth time, or a story you have never heard, if you’re willing to listen. Take time to be this for someone younger without responding with your own experience or advice. Let them be in the present and make a conscious effort to join them there. What would be different if you consciously offered your family members the grace and understanding you desire from them?
“Fulfilling connections of all kinds that foster joy is a healthy aim on any given day, regardless of relationship status. Be even more intentional… to engage in joy-filled connections of all kinds.” —Paul R. Stephenson