Every child in the South is trained in a special set of etiquette commandments: “Thou shalt use
‘ma’ams’ and ‘sirs’,” “Thou shalt remove thy hat indoors,” “Thou shalt show up bearing gifts for
the host,” “Thou shalt hold the door for others,” and “Thou shalt write sincere and timely Thank
You Notes.”
As kids, these lessons are hard learned through repetition, countless “tsks,” and pinched
expressions from parents. But these commandments are what set our region apart from the rest
of the world, so with each new generation, we pass them on. In adulthood, it becomes easier to
find the joy and the sense in maintaining the manners our mothers hold dear. Thank You notes
no longer need to be seen as a chore; instead, they can be a moment to express sincere
gratitude to someone who makes life better. As Hellen Ellis argues in her book, Southern Lady
Code, there is no right or wrong time to write a note, but there is nothing better than receiving
unexpected appreciation.
When I moved back home to Memphis last year, I transitioned from teaching high school in
Colorado to teaching 7th grade. On the first day of classes, I was struck by the eye contact and
“Thank you’s” that almost every student genuinely offered me after the bell rang. This was an
expression of gratitude that was rare among my former students. One year later, this expression
of thanks still brings a smile to my face daily. My students remind me of the power of saying
“Thank You” when it’s least expected.
During the days leading to Thanksgiving Break, I teach my students how to write a Thank You
note. These notes do not always make it to the recipient, but it is an important lesson on offering
written gratitude to the people in my students’ lives. Most of them write to their mothers and
fathers, others write to uncles, cousins, grandparents, or coaches. Some are thankful for days
spent fishing or hunting, others offer gratitude for a clean house and readily prepared meals,
and a few say thanks for opportunities like school, camp, or sports. Regardless of what they are
thankful for, all of my students spend a couple hours that week thinking less of themselves and
more of others. In my opinion, that lesson is worth its weight in gold.
I’ve written thank you notes to my colleagues who have helped me navigate some of the most
challenging professional years of my life, to the vendors who made our wedding dreams a
reality, to my mom for supporting me through every up and down, to my husband for helping me
paint the fence or for unprompted cleaning because he knows that I want our house to look like
no one lives in it when company is on the way. Reasons for gratitude are endless.
Over the years, my practice of regular note writing has ebbed and flowed. I’ve never enjoyed
keeping a gratitude journal, despite the myriad benefits it purportedly promises. Writing a
thoughtful note with a favorite pen on a beautiful card for someone to hold in their hands and to
read makes note writing and snail mail immeasurably more rewarding than keeping gratitude to
yourself. In this age of artificial and digital everything, genuine and tangible thanks shows
someone that their authenticity makes an impact on your life.
The first step in turning Thank You notes from a chore into a joy begins with choosing beautiful
stationery. Shops like Stovall Collection, Menage, or Mrs. Post offer a variety of vibrant paper
products for every occasion. I keep monogrammed cards and icon cards always on hand so I
am prepared to write notes in every season of life. I also keep colored pens to coordinate with
the card design. These are small touches that make the act of note writing something to
anticipate (and a fun excuse to go shopping).
Remember to say more than just “Thank you for the [insert gift].” Thank the person for their
time, effort, energy, compassion, patience, and more. Say something about your relationship,
whether it is new or old: What does it add to your life? Remark on the things to come. Perhaps
you have plans with this person or maybe they live far away, and you happily anticipate seeing
them again soon. I find that once the first sentence or two is written, the rest of the card flows
and before I know it, I’m filling up the back, too.
When in doubt, make your Southern mother proud with pen and card in hand, and write the
note. It doesn’t take much to make someone feel seen for the wonderful things they do
everyday.