“When you are sorrowful,
look again in your heart
And see that, in truth, you are weeping for
That which has been your delight”
—Kahlil Gibran.
Do you remember your… “Last time?”
Most of us are not lucky enough to remember the last moments we shared with loved ones. I think if we had known what was coming, we would have paid closer attention. We would’ve focused on the easy grin they wore when they told a joke. Or the way a loved one’s eyes twinkled when they saw you walk into the room, or maybe you held hands during the most miraculous sunset.
I visited my mother the day before she died. She was in good spirits. I had no way of knowing she would slip away during the night, though I knew something was up when she didn’t eat a bite of her pie. She was never one to turn down sweets. I had brought her a Frappuccino with extra whipped cream. I had my usual latte, and we toasted. As we talked, I wondered if this might be the last of my lifelong conversations with my mother. We usually talked about books, but on this day, we weren’t talking about much other than our love of beverages. While it broke my heart, Sarge, my nickname for my mother, knew who I was, and she still made me laugh. Yes, a good last memory.
Perhaps your loved one took you out on a morning boat ride. You might have paid more attention to the horizon, how the oranges and blues transformed into pale yellow and lavender. You might have missed the pride on your loved one’s face just from being in your company.
It might have been a ballgame or a great round of golf—or even a crappy round of golf. Maybe it was as mundane as watching the news together. Were you focused on tomorrow’s forecast?
Others might not recall the last time. Maybe it was sudden, and you’re left in shock. Maybe it was drawn out. Is there ever a good time to say goodbye?
The last time with my brother, Robert, was unexpected. He was running late, so we didn’t even hug each other goodbye. But the weeks leading up to that day were unexpected blessings. After his death, I was flooded with memories of the time we had just spent together. I could still hear his boisterous laugh and see him throw his head back. Despite the countless golf shirts I bought him, he always showed up in the same Auburn attire. I could always smell Robert before he walked into a room. I would roll my eyes and say, “You know, Rob, one spray goes a long way.” Those once maddening quirks are what always spring up first in my mind.
Last times don’t always come with a warning bell.
Perhaps you were just with a friend at a coffee shop, discussing the insanity of back-to-school. Then you easily switched gears to talk about your child struggling with academics. And before you parted ways, you talked about wallpaper. You always ended up talking about wallpaper.
Maybe you feel wistful because you only discussed the everyday moments of life. But isn’t the craziness of going through life together what made your friendship special? You could talk about needing new wallpaper just as easily as you could have a child struggle with math, science, or another loved one struggling with addiction. That is the beauty of shared human experiences.
We are all seeking to be known, to be seen and heard. Memories keep us connected to the people we love and the familiarity we felt while in their company. If we’re lucky, we find that this bond isn’t linear at all but circular.
Things that drive you crazy now might turn into memories you laugh about later. The memory of a loved one signing XO at the end of every text or wearing the same obnoxious sweater every holiday can produce tears, laughter, or a subtle combination of both.
As we approach the holidays, messy as they can be, it is important to remember the times you’ve had with the people you love, past and present. Hold onto these memories. Write them down; remember them like a favorite prayer.
Wear the crazy holiday sweater. (Extra credit for sound effects!) Incorporate a friend’s favorite dish. Use your mother’s good china. Take the golf bag, use the clubs and don’t worry about the ratio of birdies to bogeys.
Be present for your loved ones this holiday season. Be intentional. Forget perfection. Make all the memories. May they bring laughter, tears and maybe a moment to let your heart whisper: Thank you.
"Last times don’t always come with a warning bell."