There was a time in my life that I felt like Psyche in the myth of her lovership with Cupid. Like Psyche, I felt lost and in despair; overwhelmed by the enormity of the task before me: to have a successful, intimate relationship. “But how?” I desperately thought. My entire life was filled with failed relationships: my family of origin, friends, and boyfriends. Now, I was determined to make my marriage work.
Psyche, in order to claim her relationship, was once tasked with sifting a huge mound of wheat, poppy, and millet seeds into their own piles. Like Psyche, in order to have closely intimate relationships, we are all faced with our own piles that we must parse out. What is mine to take accountability for in this relationship? What is the other person’s stuff to own? What is ours together?
Relationships are the most important investment we will ever make in our lives. Without others to support us, we would literally die. We enter the world entirely helpless as infants. Our ability to survive relies on staying connected to our caregivers. We are neurobiologically wired to need relationships. We can pretend we don’t need anyone else, but if we look deeply at this belief, it is not true.
In fact, many studies have shown that humans who aren’t in a relationship with other humans fail to thrive and even die sooner than those who are. Gabor Mate’s book The Myth of Normal is a good reference for those interested in the science. Additionally, research shows that all addiction stems from disconnection. When we suffer disconnection from ourselves and others, we try to fill that hole with whatever distraction will make us feel better for even a few minutes. We all deeply desire connection, like it or not.
If that is true, why are relationships so hard? For those of us who find it difficult, it is because we have been hurt in the past and recoil from others, or have never been taught the skills of healthy relating. For many of us, our family of origin didn’t model healthy relating. Worse yet, society perpetuates the myth we should be what others want from us, and abandon our own needs when the truth is, a healthy relationship balances our own needs with the needs of others. Without this balance, our relationships cannot be truly authentic, intimate, and fulfilling.
So how can we invest in healthy relationships? This is a lifelong journey where we must balance a core internal dilemma: I must be in care of myself, and I must be in care of others. Said another way, it is connection-to-self versus connection-to-others.
As an adult, I taught myself how to invest in my relationships and help them grow strong and healthy. I studied attachment theory and non-violent communication skills. I learned how to step off the “victim triangle” and take responsibility for balancing this core dilemma inside myself instead of asking others to do it for me. I learned how to repair a relationship after a rupture. I learned how to stop abandoning myself to gain acceptance from others. But mostly, I got help and support from others who had learned these skills and could show me the way.
Learning these skills isn’t something we can do alone. We have to heal in relationships with others. If your relational investment portfolio is struggling, I encourage you to get support–through books, classes, couples, or one-on-one counseling.
Julia Yanker is a Bozeman based creatrix, adventurer, and psycho-spiritual coach, specializing in the trauma resolution modality Somatic Experiencing®. You can connect with her for one-to-one or group coaching at JuliaYanker.com
